Are you married to or partnered with your mother or father? This question may sound peculiar at first, but for those who have explored Ancient Greek legends and mythology—or even psychology—will recognise the tales of Electra and Oedipus. These narratives, while tragic, illuminate an unsettling psychology regarding our connections with others. The stories depict a child who kills their mother or father and subsequently marries the opposite parent. Although these ancient tragedies likely serve as parables, they highlight how deeply our familial relationships can impact our romantic choices. Freud famously stated, “Tell me about your mother,” a probing inquiry intended to delve into the complexities of personality shaped by both nature and nurture. When we seek partners, we often look for traits reminiscent of our parents, whether consciously or unconsciously. This phenomenon is frequently discussed in social circles; it is common to hear that girls marry men similar to their fathers, and vice versa. This inclination is less about physical attributes and more about the underlying themes of personality, and their energy that resonates with us. For instance, if you are a man, you may find yourself attracted to a woman who embodies the strength, independence, and organisation that your mother exhibited. Conversely, if you are a woman, you might gravitate towards a partner who reflects the same qualities as your father. While physical appearance may seem secondary, it can still play a role. If your mother had long black hair and blue eyes, you might discover an attraction to those features. Similarly, if your father sported a beard, that could become a personal preference. The dynamics of our relationships with our parents significantly influence whom we choose as partners. Sometimes, certain individuals may feel instantly repugnant, simply because they remind us too much of our parents. Yet, this can also provide an opportunity to confront and resolve unresolved issues stemming from our upbringing. Often, we may find ourselves using our partners as proxies to work through feelings related to how we were treated or how our parents made us feel. In this complex interplay, we might even unconsciously punish our partners for our parents’ actions or inadvertently adopt similar subservient roles.

Most of us travel through our days in a state of constant alertness, particularly those who have suffered trauma. Routinely looking for danger, removing potential dangers, suspicious of everyone - a constant of FFFF (flight, flight, freeze, faun) - heightened state of autonomic arousal, or the sympathetic state set as default. This vigilance burns so much energy that it makes day to day life hard - threats and dangers, potential - perceived - or phantasmal, all in an effort to protect ourselves and those we love from injury or pain Our shoulders are tight, our jaw clenched, our abdomen engaged, our breath short and fast - and when things eventually or inevitably go wrong, we take a certain pride in saying “here we go” or “yeah, thought so” This becomes what psychologists call a “self fulfilling prophecy”, and though they relate this to subconscious self sabotage, spiritually or energetically we call this manifestation - not what we say we want, but what we are expecting and creating in our minds The universe doesn’t know the difference between a joke, a fear, and a heart felt desire - it’s about focus, energy, and intent This is why Usui Sensei put “Worry not” in his principles. Worrying creates energy with a frequency of failure, chaos, and sorrow - we experience it in the present as inhibiting self talk, thoughts and emotion, and then experience it in the future as those worries manifest In positive psychology, the aim isn’t to be an incurable optimist (which to me appears as a some kind of delusional mental disorder), but rather to learn how to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, “rest and digest” - the diametrically opposite of the sympathetic system (you may have also encountered this in NLP, Somatic release techniques, and Polyvagal theory) The aim here is to notice when you are slipping into the sympathetic state - shoulders, jaws, breath - and consciously and audibly tell yourself you are safe, take a few deep breaths, let your shoulders relax…perhaps do a little shake, splash some water on your face, have a healthy snack…

Control is the source of most anger and frustration - we make our plans, we have our way of doing things, we think strongly about things - when a plan fails, when people do things “the wrong way”, or when people say or do things we don’t like, we get annoyed because reality and people haven’t met our expectations - we don’t like being out of control. Truth is we can set the ball in motion, but where the universe takes it is out of our hands. We can guide it, or give it a good trajectory to where we want things to be, but our attachment to the final result can cause anxiety, doubt, negative self talk, all of which the universe hears and responds to. How many times have you had a conversation 100 times in your head before it happens, then when it does it’s nothing like you imagined. Why all the energy worrying when we don’t know the mind of others? All we can do is trust in ourself, and that if we do what is for our higher good (and I mean that collectively) than trust the results will match that - worry and doubt only helps to make things go wrong 😑 (and even “wrong” events are chances for growth, or could be for your higher good - it’s a lesson) I say to my kids, “just do the thing” which is short for one of those long talks you’d imagine I’d give. “You can’t win if you don’t participate - not trying is conceding defeat - knowing yourself is the only way to know what you really want or need - have faith in yourself - do the things that challenge you but will help you grow…” - but in the end, if you do the thing, I’m proud of them - of you - of me. Be kind to yourself, don’t punish yourself for having a go 🥰🙏🌈