Apr 9 • Inner child and Authenticity
Electra and Oedipus
Are you married to or partnered with your mother or father? This question may sound peculiar at first, but for those who have explored Ancient Greek legends and mythology—or even psychology—will recognise the tales of Electra and Oedipus. These narratives, while tragic, illuminate an unsettling psychology regarding our connections with others. The stories depict a child who kills their mother or father and subsequently marries the opposite parent. Although these ancient tragedies likely serve as parables, they highlight how deeply our familial relationships can impact our romantic choices.
Freud famously stated, “Tell me about your mother,” a probing inquiry intended to delve into the complexities of personality shaped by both nature and nurture. When we seek partners, we often look for traits reminiscent of our parents, whether consciously or unconsciously. This phenomenon is frequently discussed in social circles; it is common to hear that girls marry men similar to their fathers, and vice versa. This inclination is less about physical attributes and more about the underlying themes of personality, and their energy that resonates with us.
For instance, if you are a man, you may find yourself attracted to a woman who embodies the strength, independence, and organisation that your mother exhibited. Conversely, if you are a woman, you might gravitate towards a partner who reflects the same qualities as your father. While physical appearance may seem secondary, it can still play a role. If your mother had long black hair and blue eyes, you might discover an attraction to those features. Similarly, if your father sported a beard, that could become a personal preference.
The dynamics of our relationships with our parents significantly influence whom we choose as partners. Sometimes, certain individuals may feel instantly repugnant, simply because they remind us too much of our parents. Yet, this can also provide an opportunity to confront and resolve unresolved issues stemming from our upbringing. Often, we may find ourselves using our partners as proxies to work through feelings related to how we were treated or how our parents made us feel. In this complex interplay, we might even unconsciously punish our partners for our parents’ actions or inadvertently adopt similar subservient roles.
This reality serves as an invitation to learn through cycles and patterns. We either find ourselves reliving these experiences in various forms or recognising the traps and striving to avoid them. If we examine our relationships closely enough, we may notice how the dynamics we observed between our parents are acted out in our own lives, albeit with variations—like different combinations in a continuously evolving drama.
We all possess the ability to choose or attract partners that embody the qualities we genuinely desire, as long as we authentically emanate the energy that compliments our ideal partner - energy doesn’t lie. The remedy then goes hand in hand with “reparenting” ourselves, where we strive to exemplify what we wished our parents were like, replacing negative self talk with encouragement, compassion and acceptance. Though these romantic ideals can be confused with the illusion of limerence, it’s important to accept all potential partners for who they are, and not viewed as a blank template to mould to fit our needs.
While it is easy to blame our parents for the dramas in our relationships, they were often largely oblivious to the consequences their words and actions would have on us. They were only acting according to their programming, in what can be termed the tyranny of tradition. If we genuinely place ourselves in their shoes, it becomes nearly impossible to hold onto feelings of resentment.
As each generation becomes increasingly aware of the impact we have on our children and how they will raise their own, should they choose to do so, we must bear the responsibility to be mindful of our words and actions. The goal is to be the parent we always wished we had, all the while remaining authentic and clearly communicating and enforcing our boundaries.
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Electra and Oedipus
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