22d (edited) • 🧠 Mindset & Productivity
Feel like I haven't really learned how to think yet
I mean, this is the case since my childhood, not only now, but this always screwed me up over the span of my life. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about, and recognise themself in that, unfortunately. And sorry if my post isn't clear, to be honest it isn't clear to me either, still foggy to me, just like it is, but this is why I'm writing it.
(I swear I CAN'T write a short message, sorry guys. But I've seen a lot of people open up in some posts lately, and that's a great thing really, I love this community. Anyway let's start.)
The problem is that my mind is always kind of "foggy," and most of the time, I can't make out anything of my thoughts, even when I'm actually trying to focus on them. I always want to think about one trivial thing, that shouldn't need this amount of thinking, but this is apparently already too hard. When I try to, like imagining myself in a scenario, what would happen and everything, I am just kind of stuck in a loop, never really advancing in that thought.
Like I said in my introduction post, I can't really ever focus on one task -- because my mind is always wandering off to something more "enjoyable" I guess. Whenever I'm some minutes into something, I will lose all my momentum because my brain is always up to something else. And this was really screwing me over for school, when people didn't understand why I was almost never doing my homework, because of that. People called me lazy, and honestly I maybe was, at least a bit. But I always had this weight, that I fell made it way harder for me to actually get the thing done than anyone else.
Even today, I feel like I have all the will in the world to do things but I'm always thinking about something else and that just stop it. And even out of self-growth or work or just tasks in general, I can't think about stupid things like what am I gonna eat, what am I gonna do today? Each time I genuinely give it a shot, it just kind of breaks me, I end sometimes crying because I can't make a fricking decision. And as long as I haven't finished the scenario I was playing in my head or whatever, I WON'T get out of my head, which means unless I do it, I will not be able to do something else, like something as trivial as watching a YouTube video, just because my mind is always on this thing and 10 others. It's screwing me over out of work in my personal life even, always catching up to me and that's really the main reason while I always feel like a weight, being depressed at least a bit at all time.
It feels like a bottleneck, whatever I want to do, my ambitions, I have to progress ever so slowly because I feel limited by the capacity of my brain to handle even stupid little thoughts.
The only field I can think about because this is so abstract, is just random film scenarios. Which feels counter-intuitive because I said I wouldn't be able to think of myself in scenarios and get out of it, but somehow, for other characters I create, I do, like why?
This has been two weeks now, of me having random creative outbursts for no reason, like I had nothing for months, and before that I was just having random ideas that weren't really going nowhere, I was just fantasising. But for two weeks now, I've got more than 3 movie ideas, developing one of them into what could be a show, already having it almost completely figured out, in only two weeks.
What I am saying feels great, "wow all this creativity" or some sh- like that. But I assure you not, it is breaking me, since now, adding to my already hard-to-think life, I have to stay up all night because I always have new ideas coming. I was already sleep-deprived, and this is not helping it. Each time I get a new idea, I have to stop everything I am doing so I can think about it, and sometimes, just writing it down won't be enough. But that would be okay if my movie ideas were even joyful and happy, no they're depressing me. Like two of them end with a suicide, two of them showing a character that is slowly consumed by guilt. Two other ideas are gory horror films with monsters. My thoughts are honestly making me uncomfortable because I am seeing everything my characters see and feeling them, just crying for no reason in the middle of my room bruh, just because I just empathise with them. But that's breaking me on top of everything else. I mean, finally I have some film ideas I can do so I can finally make art, but at what f-ing cost?
I know I maybe sound silly and honestly from outside eyes it is. But living like that everyday is a lot to handle. And to be honest I rambled a lot about random stuff at the end. But maybe you're also in that situation where you feel stuck, I hope not, really -- because it's a nightmare -- but if you are maybe you could have some advice.
I've already tried meditation, and this is kind of helping me a bit, but like just in the following moments. Maybe if I do it more this will be more "long-term." I have to stay consistent, but that's still hard to live with what I have even with that in mind.
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Feel like I haven't really learned how to think yet
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