27d • General discussion
Struggling
Let me start by saying I don't know what to do or even if this the right place to put this out. I'm mentally struggling today. What started as one of the best days I've had with my 22 year old daughter, was changed abruptly to me struggling to keep a smile on my face and mask the hurt I'm feeling. Please allow me to explain.
My daughter graduated from the University of Tennessee Chattanooga yesterday. It was glorious to see her obtain her degree in Education, where she wants to teach English to middle schoolers (grades 6-8). Watching her happiness was awesome. I was even able to get along with my ex-wife and talk kindly towards each other. Was a able to catch up with my former family members (who had stopped talking to me (after our divorce). So basically things were going well, really well.
Then came the gut punch. As I was taking pictures with my daughter, my family, and my former family, everyone getting along (even my exmother-in-law, who I couldn't give two shits about) all we're getting along. I received a text from a guy who I'm friends with who I'm not close to, who happens to be married to someone that I've loved (not romantically) for a long time. His text says that his wife (Sherry) is in hospital and on hospice and we should come visit her as she may not make it through the weekend. (We were never told she was sick. She didn't tell anyone). As I read the text, I'm bent over gasping for air. I have to tell my wife about this, as she's been friends with Sherry for 40 years. I'm trying to celebrate my daughter's accomplishments and trying to hold my wife together at the same time.
I mask the pain with a fake smile at the graduation party. I talk about how proud I am of my daughter, all while holding back tears. I continue to mask my pain with several IPA pints, play games with my daughter and her friends at the brewery. I'm still gut punched. The night ends, I tell my daughter how proud I am of her, whic I truly am, as I drop her off at her apartment. My wife and I drive back to our hotel, where she emotionally melts down. I hold myself together for her. We chat and look at old photos of Sherry and us. My wife breaks down, I'm doing my best to keep it together for both of us. She finally falls asleep. I fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the morning (5:00ish AM), it's dark, my wife is sleeping soundly, but I'm thinking about past memories of myself and Sherry from many years, 1986- present.
Sherry and I have kept in touch for a long time. She's always ment the world to be. She hold a special place in my heart, and I know she feels the same way towards me. As we have had the conversation, and now I'm going to lose that friend. I'm struggling with my own feelings of sorrow, trying to keep it together for my wife... but when do I get to melt down? It doesn't seem like I get to. And this sucks. I just want to get on my knees and say a prayer for Sherry, and cry. But when do I get to do that? It feels like never. It seems like I'm alone, and having to hide my emotions. But all I want to do is cry, let out my emotions of knowing that I'm going to lose my friend.
I've changed our flights for Sunday. Instead of getting back to California at 11pm, we are going to return near 4pm, and try to get to the hospital before Sherry passes. But when do I get to let out my emotions? I'll have to hold my wife together. Which is fine, and I feel totally selfish about this, but when do I get to morn? To cry? To emotionally let go? As a son, dad, and husband, when is it my time to emotionally say goodbye to Sherry?
I am really struggling with all this. If you read it this far, I'll take any suggestions as to when is it my turn, and when do I get to have that emotional goodbye?
My wife is still sleeping, the sun has peeked over the mountains that's surround Chattanooga, I've been awake for several hours laying in bed, trying to be quiet to not wake my wife, but I'm struggling with my emotions. I'll go out today with a fake ass happy face and do my best.... But I just want to cry for my friend.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. And I'll take any advice you have. Again, thank for letting me write this out, as I am struggling with what to do.
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Struggling
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