What not to say when a friend suffers the loss of a loved one.
As Christmas comes, emotions intensify for all of us and for those of us who have had a close person die or have had a relationship break up, this period is more intense. First, there is the issue of attempting to make things fun when all you feel is the loss of that person. But then there is the issue of meeting up with family and friends and suffering the silence, the helpful comments or the unwelcome advice. So here is a list of things that do not help and probably will make the person who is going through this run home and hide until the season is over - or for the next five years - whichever is longer. How do you feel? Get a hold of yourself You can't fall apart Keep a stiff upper lip Pull yourself up by your bootstraps We understand how you feel Be thankful you have your children At least you have... The living must go on. He/she is in a better place. All things must pass He/she led a full life God will never give you more than you can handle You shouldn't be angry with God How are the children coping? The same thing happened to my.... I read a book about this.... You need to get back out there. Maybe you will find someone else. Even things like How can we help? How are you coping? You know you can call on us at any time. We are always here for you You are not alone You can count on us. Or behaviours Acted empathy/sympathy Hugging when not asked for Tears of sympathy Anecdotes to "cheer you up and show we remember" So why do these not work? First, because everyone grieving is going through grief in their own way - no two are alike, so you can never know what they are going through, even if you went through the "exact same thing". The person may be in a good place or a bad place - you have no idea what you are about to trigger. You have no idea of what it took to get out of the house and come to your home. They may be ecstatic to be there or counting down the minutes before they can go home. AND this may change at any moment. It can change because of something you said or did not say. It can be because a memory is triggered, or it could be that the person sees how happy you are or how unhappy you are, and they are mad because they cannot believe you would not be thankful that you have that person alive in your life.