What not to say when a friend suffers the loss of a loved one.

🔥

As Christmas comes, emotions intensify for all of us and for those of us who have had a close person die or have had a relationship break up, this period is more intense.

First, there is the issue of attempting to make things fun when all you feel is the loss of that person.

But then there is the issue of meeting up with family and friends and suffering the silence, the helpful comments or the unwelcome advice.

So here is a list of things that do not help and probably will make the person who is going through this run home and hide until the season is over - or for the next five years - whichever is longer.

How do you feel?

Get a hold of yourself

You can't fall apart

Keep a stiff upper lip

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps

We understand how you feel

Be thankful you have your children

At least you have...

The living must go on.

He/she is in a better place.

All things must pass

He/she led a full life

God will never give you more than you can handle

You shouldn't be angry with God

How are the children coping?

The same thing happened to my....

I read a book about this....

You need to get back out there.

Maybe you will find someone else.

Even things like

How can we help?

How are you coping?

You know you can call on us at any time.

We are always here for you

You are not alone

You can count on us.

Or behaviours

Acted empathy/sympathy

Hugging when not asked for

Tears of sympathy

Anecdotes to "cheer you up and show we remember"

So why do these not work?

First, because everyone grieving is going through grief in their own way - no two are alike, so you can never know what they are going through, even if you went through the "exact same thing".

The person may be in a good place or a bad place - you have no idea what you are about to trigger. You have no idea of what it took to get out of the house and come to your home. They may be ecstatic to be there or counting down the minutes before they can go home. AND this may change at any moment. It can change because of something you said or did not say. It can be because a memory is triggered, or it could be that the person sees how happy you are or how unhappy you are, and they are mad because they cannot believe you would not be thankful that you have that person alive in your life.

The first bunch are all about attempting to make the person feel something different from what they are actually feeling - telling them that they need to change their emotions to make you feel less awkward.

The second bunch make the person feel more alone. They are alone, and no matter how close you are to them, they have to face their grief alone. And we have no idea what we need, so we do not know what to ask for, just as you do not know what to offer. What we need - childcare, $100,000, a part-time well-paid job, a year off, you cannot give.

The third bunch transfers the emotion from the grieving person to someone else, and now they have another person to console. They hardly have enough energy to deal with themselves, and now they feel obliged to offer all of these platitudes to you.

Grief can be exhausting - energy may be running low, and so asking a grieving person to expend energy so you feel better is asking a lot and may result in the person avoiding you for some time after. They will feel guilty for doing so, and that adds to the reluctance to meet up.

So what can you do?

Understand that we are not trained to deal with this. No classes are given on how to help those in grief. So do not try to fix it. Instead, place your attention on the person with love and compassion. If you cannot do this, do not pretend.

If they want to talk - listen. Repeat back what you have heard to show that you have listened. Do not offer solutions. Don't "make it ok".

If they want a hug - hug until you feel them withdraw, they may not have been hugged for some time and may desperately need one, but do not know how to ask for one. Ask if you can, do not assume they want it.

They may have children and get hugged by them - but they are missing the adult-to-adult hug - the hug that is energy-giving.

If they want to talk about the person who died - hear them. Let them talk and do not interrupt them - if you do, they may well stop and not resume.

Silence is ok.

If they are talking fast, it is because the emotion is overwhelming them, and they are trying to hold it together. Let them speak until they slow down - they will if you flow them energy and love and show that they are in a safe place.

Please do not go and fetch tissues as soon as they cry. Let them let it out. Stay with them until a moment comes when it is right to fetch a box.

They may not say a thing about the person who died - do not prod them for data.

It is ok that

you are happy,

you had a great year,

you are in love,

you had a great success

your life is amazing

They/we want that for you and want to hear about it.

It is ok to tell us

of your problems

what is wrong in your life