don’t talk about this often, but I’ve had several abusive, toxic relationships. Five times I thought this one will be different. Five times I ignored the knot in my stomach. Five times I shrank myself so someone else could feel big. For years, I thought it was them. And yes—what they did was real. Nothing was good enough; the worst relationship was 20 years ago. He was overly nice and fun at first, but he got mean as time went on. Sometimes as I looked out the window while he drove, he accused me of looking at other men; also, he demanded me to stop seeing my mother and my friends; also he tried to keep my children away from me. This lasted 2.5 years, and I left him and went back to him 4 times. The truth that changed my life was this: I was choosing familiar pain because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better. I finally went to a counselor who helped me see it was abuse and not my fault, except for continuing to choose this pattern . So I finally left him and lived in a women’s shelter as. I pulled myself together by sitting with myself, being silent, and turning off the chatter in my mind, finally believing that i deserved better. I had to become consciously aware of thinking and feeling good.

2 days ago my friend drove to visit me at my moms place. I took him to see the COPE (Center of Protective Environment) where I stayed in their women’s shelter, getting away from an abusive man I was married to. I felt closure and coming full circle.