10d • Perspective & Meaning
People Will Disappoint
How philosophy helps us loosen our grip on expectations, survive disappointment, and stay steady when people let us down.
The Reality of Disappointment
We are far more selfish than we like to believe. People will let you down — not always through cruelty or intention, but through limitation, fear, distraction, and self-interest. Even those closest to us will, at some point, fail to show up in the way we hoped or needed.
Recognising this isn’t about becoming bitter or cynical. It’s about learning how to live without constantly breaking your own heart.
When I became ill with depression, most people disappeared. Friends I had known since childhood lived minutes away and never called. No check-ins. No awkward attempts. Just absence. It felt like being the child no one turns up for — a quiet, humiliating grief. The betrayal still sits with me, unresolved. That experience changed how I understand people, expectations, and attachment.
Buddhism and Attachment
Buddhism teaches that suffering (dukkha) arises from attachment — not just to things, but to people, outcomes, and assumptions. The Four Noble Truths begin with two uncomfortable ideas:
- Life involves suffering.
- Suffering comes from craving and attachment.
When we attach ourselves to the belief that people must be reliable, kind, emotionally available, or behave as we would in their place, we set ourselves up for pain. The problem isn’t caring about others — it’s clinging to fixed expectations about how they should act.
Meditation, in this sense, isn’t about escaping life. It’s about loosening the grip of attachment so disappointment doesn’t automatically become suffering.
Stoicism and Taoism: Accepting Human Nature
Stoicism offers a parallel insight. Marcus Aurelius (121–180 CE), Roman Emperor during a time of war, plague, and political instability, wrote Meditations as private notes to himself — not for publication, but as a way of coping.
He advised beginning each day by reminding yourself that you will encounter selfishness, ingratitude, dishonesty, and indifference. This wasn’t cynicism. It was preparation.
The Stoic lesson is simple but difficult: you cannot control how others behave, only how you respond. For people living with depression — who often feel overwhelmed by external disappointment — this shift can be quietly transformative.
Taoism complements this view through wu wei — non-resistance. People change. They disappoint. They act from their own confusion. Resisting this reality only creates friction. Accepting it allows life to move again.
The Parable of the Taoist Farmer
A farmer in a village had a single horse. One day, the horse ran away.
The villagers said, “Oh no, this is terrible.”
The farmer replied, "Maybe.”
A few days later, the horse returned with several wild horses.
“How wonderful!” the villagers said.
“Maybe,” replied the farmer.
The farmer’s son tried to tame one of the horses, fell, and broke his leg.
“How awful,” the villagers said.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
Soon after, the emperor’s army came through the village, conscripting all able-bodied young men for war. Because the son’s leg was broken, he was spared.
“How fortunate!” the villagers exclaimed.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
Accepting Disappointment and Uncertainty
This story captures something essential about disappointment: we rarely know what events mean in the long run. What feels like betrayal, failure, or loss in one moment may later reveal itself as a turning point — or at least not the catastrophe we imagined.
When you’re depressed, the mind tends to label every setback as final. A friend lets you down. A relationship ends. A job opportunity disappears. The story becomes: This is terrible. This is permanent.
The farmer’s response — “Maybe” — isn’t denial. It’s patience.
Letting Go of Immediate Judgements
Disappointment hurts most when we rush to judgement. We decide immediately that something is bad, unjust, or unforgivable. Stepping back from that reflex doesn’t make the pain vanish, but it softens its grip.
A friendship ending might later make space for healthier relationships. A rejection might redirect you somewhere safer. You don’t have to believe everything happens for a reason — only that you may not understand the reason yet.
Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
One of depression’s cruel tricks is convincing you that you are responsible for outcomes you never controlled. This parable reminds us that resisting reality creates more suffering than the event itself.
Not everything needs to be categorised as “good” or “bad” immediately. Allowing uncertainty reduces the mental exhaustion that comes from analysing every disappointment as a personal failure.
Expecting, but Not Fearing, Disappointment
People will let you down. Friends won’t show up. Family members won’t understand. Partners may leave. Expecting this doesn’t mean becoming closed or guarded — it means becoming steadier.
When disappointment arrives, it doesn’t have to destroy you. Over time, these moments often lead to deeper self-knowledge, stronger boundaries, and more honest connections.
A Practical Mindset Shift
The next time something painful happens, instead of thinking, “This is terrible, my life is ruined,” try responding with a simple, grounded:
“Maybe.”
Not as forced optimism. Not as denial. But as acceptance of uncertainty.
You don’t need to believe everything happens for a reason. You just need to accept that you might not know the reason yet.
In Conclusion
- Lower expectations, not standards. Expect imperfection without abandoning your boundaries.
- Detach with love. Care deeply, but don’t make your wellbeing dependent on others’ behaviour.
- Anticipate imperfection. People will make mistakes — preparing for this makes it less destabilising.
- Focus on inner stability. The more resilient you become, the less power disappointment holds over you.
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People Will Disappoint
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