Knowing Shit
Depression often comes with swings between superiority and inferiority. Sometimes both, moving back and forth. One day you feel like you know better than everyone else. The next you feel useless, ignorant, or like a fraud. Neither state is accurate. Neither helps.
During lockdown I worked for a major medical supplies company managing digital marketing through their website. It was not the same as working in an ICU or emergency setting, but it was still intense. Demand was constant. The pressure was real. I worked long hours and was praised for being responsive and pulling my weight.
My 17 or 18 years of experience mattered during that period. After lockdown the company hired a digital director on a six figure salary and everything changed.
To be fair to him, he was doing his job. But at the time I saw him as the villain of the story. He was direct, serious, and difficult to read. I had just come out of a breakup after a 20 year relationship. I had debt. My current relationship was going through a difficult period. I was already struggling with depression.
My perspective was not at its best. I told him I was struggling with depression and bipolar disorder. HR became involved. Everything was handled formally and correctly on paper, but it felt cold and distant. The experience left me feeling that the company did not really care what happened to me as long as procedures were followed.
It sent me into a spiral that lasted two years. During that time I planned to take my life six different times. Thankfully I did not.
What I learned from that period is simple. Your workplace cannot be your safety net. Even organisations that talk openly about mental health are still organisations first. Protect yourself accordingly.
Your job may be advertised before your obituary is ever published.
The Illusion of Mastery
No matter how much you know, there is always more to learn. And no matter how little someone else seems to know, they will understand something you do not. Psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger described a pattern now known as the Dunning Kruger effect. In their 1999 research they found that people with lower performance in areas like logic and grammar often overestimated their ability, while higher performers sometimes underestimated theirs.
Source: Dunning & Kruger, 1999
Confidence and competence do not always move together. Feeling uncertain about what you know does not automatically mean you lack ability. Sometimes it means you understand how much there is still to learn.
Everyone’s a Beginner at Something
There are entire areas of knowledge most of us never even touch. That is normal.
Learning new things activates the brain’s reward systems and is linked with dopamine activity associated with motivation and engagement.
Example research:
Lisman & Grace, 2005
Curiosity changes how you move through the world. It makes conversations easier. It reduces the pressure to prove yourself.
Don’t Be That Guy
We all know someone who needs to be the smartest person in the room. Someone who corrects constantly or treats knowledge like a weapon.That approach rarely builds connection.
Strong social relationships are consistently associated with lower risk of depression and better mental health outcomes.
Santini et al., 2015
Everyone takes turns being the beginner. A Simple Rule: Be Curious, Not Condescending
Curiosity changes the tone of conversations. It makes it easier to listen and easier to learn.
Experiences of awe and curiosity have also been linked in research with improved wellbeing and lower inflammatory responses.
Example research:
Stellar et al., 2015
Sometimes the better move is simply to listen. You will never know everything. Someone always knows more than you. Someone always knows less than you. Staying curious keeps things in balance.
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Knowing Shit
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