Ok, I'm going to be transparent. Since losing my husband and trying to find my feet, I felt lost and overwhelmed most days - nearly 9 months and I'm still trying to stay afloat. And ONCE AGAIN, things got too hectic and I stopped. I stopped with my pattern interrupt, BUT it somewhere on my TO DO LIST I still had it as a huge priority in the back of my head and I finally completed DAY4! Small, baby steps and I'm super proud of myself. (Even though it feels like the only productive thing I did today - apart from sending out some emails). I personally know how much AVA has helped me in my solo journey so far and I'm determined to finish it! After a recap of my first 3 Days of my Pattern Interrupt, this is my line and realisation: I’d rather risk disappointment than abandon my dreams and play it safe. There is too much at stake.

I choose to be the woman, business owner, mother, wife and daughter that gets things done, even if it means I will be seen. I am leaving behind the pattern of rationalising my fears as believable excuses. Intentionally keeping track of my progress. Set daily tasks for the next day and tick them off every night. To keep myself accountable for my growth moving forward.

Staying the same has cost me 10 months I can never ever get back! It has cost me to delay my dreams and my purpose. I allowed fear of people's opinions and judgement and questions to keep me small and quiet. It has cost me my confidence, my voice, my peace, my finances, and nearly my business and a lot of hard work. 10 months I can never get back, but I realise I can choose what I do with the ones ahead. I’m preparing to get up, to find my voice, and get going again - with God beside me. I also realise that my husband's suicide is part of his story...and only a segment of my story. It was a chapter of my life written for me - without my approval or knowledge. I still get to write the rest of my story and how it ends. But I can also choose to make his story my entire story? If that makes sense...

An emotion is something I experience. It is not a verdict of who I am. I can feel confused without being a confused person. I can feel lost without being lost. I can have an inconsistent day without being inconsistent. I can feel afraid without being incapable. I can have a bad day without being or labelling myself as a failure. I don't have to wait until I feel like 'her' to start becoming her. Learning to have Grace with myself.🤍

These are the lines that stood out for me in my letter from my future self, a year from now "And somewhere along the way, you realized that trusting yourself doesn't mean never doubting yourself. It means doubt no longer gets to make the decision." I like that a lot! Thank you @Surina Joubert 💜