Oct 20 • General discussion
"That's Not How You Raise a Child!" — What to Do When Grandparents Don't Respect Your Boundaries
Hey Superparents,
We've all heard the saying: "Grandparents are so nice to our children in a way they never were with us."
It's true that we were raised in a different generation—often with a tougher hand, less emotional intelligence, and a parenting style focused on "being good" rather than "feeling good."
We are the generation of cycle-breakers. We are putting in the hard work to parent differently. We are present, we are learning, and we are validating our children's emotions. We're teaching them that it's okay to feel, and we're choosing authenticity over the appearance of being a "perfect parent."
But what happens when our new, conscious parenting style clashes with the old one?
You take your child to grandma (or the ex-grandma), and to them, our methods seem "crazy."
They shower them with love, yes—but often it's a love with no rules, just gifts and food. Then, the old patterns emerge: the guilt-tripping, the manipulation, the subtle (or not-so-subtle) yelling. It's as if they're trying to imprint their own legacy on their grandchildren.
The problem is, trauma is part of that legacy, and we're the ones still dealing with it. Our children just see a loving grandparent; they don't have the tools to see the manipulation. They just trust.
So we set a boundary. And in response, the grandparents... rage.
This explosive reaction is a predictable psychological phenomenon. It's called an Extinction Burst.
In behavioral psychology, an "extinction burst" is what happens when a behavior that used to work (like guilt-tripping you to get their way) suddenly stops getting the desired result (because you held your boundary).
As explained in psychology articles, the person will not give up. Instead, they will dramatically escalate the behavior. They will get louder, angrier, and more manipulative. They are "bursting" with one last, desperate attempt to make the old tactic work.
The takeaway? Their rage is not a sign your boundary is wrong. It's often a sign that your boundary is working and they are feeling the loss of their old control.
This is one of the hardest parts of our journey. We have to be the stable, unmoving force for our kids.
I still keep my boundaries, even when others try to dissolve them, because I know one day our kids will thank us for protecting their peace (and our own). Stay strong.
Superparents, how do you handle this? What are your recommendations for holding a boundary when it's met with anger from a grandparent?
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"That's Not How You Raise a Child!" — What to Do When Grandparents Don't Respect Your Boundaries
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