He was introduced as a retired gigolo. He preferred the term “sexual healer.” I was at a conference on men’s development when he said something that got chuckles out of the audience. “When a woman enters my space, I tell her I will not make her come. I don’t have that power anyway. And they always do. Even the ones who struggle with it.” You could interpret that as manipulation. Or false humility. Or some kind of clever reverse psychology. But from my own experience, it made perfect sense. Men can become so focused on orgasms that the very intensity of that focus creates pressure. And pressure is the enemy of surrender. The moment orgasm becomes the goal, intimacy becomes a task. By removing the finish line, he removes the performance. And what remains is presence. She’s allowed to sink into her pleasure without it needing to culminate in a predetermined outcome. And this touches something most goal-oriented men misunderstand: An orgasm is, in essence, a “selfish” experience. It is a full immersion into one’s own pleasure. A temporary disappearance into sensation. The moment you try to claim ownership over it, you pull her out of it. It becomes about your achievement instead of her surrender. Here’s the simple truth: You cannot make a woman orgasm. You can only create the environment where she feels safe enough to let go. And once you accept you don’t control the outcome, you behave differently. Less pressure. Less “vigorously rubbing” to force a result. More space. More time. More safety. It’s a move from Technique to Presence. It’s less mechanical effort, but it requires far more maturity. And that’s what makes intimacy deeper for both of you. I go into this in more depth in this week’s YouTube video:

Welcome to Fire Unleashed. This is a space for men who are serious about growth in intimacy, masculinity, and relational depth. Before you jump into conversations, make sure you’ve gone through the Start Here section in the Classroom. It will give you the context needed to engage well here. When you’re ready, introduce yourself below. You can keep it simple. Share what feels true. If you need some help to get started: - What brought you here now? - What are you currently navigating in intimacy or relationships? - What do you want to develop more of as a man? - What kind of brother do you aim to be in this space? There’s no need to impress anyone here. Presence matters more than performance. Take your time. Read. Listen. Then speak. Welcome to the Brotherhood.

Hey brother, You might be aware that aside from coaching men to improve their intimate lives, I also work with women as an intimate massage therapist. It greatly informs what I teach men. My knowledge doesn’t come from textbooks, it comes from the source (women) itself. Years ago, I wanted to start offering tantric-style massage sessions, but instinctively I knew I wasn’t ready. Still, some of my regular female clients kept asking if I was open to something deeper. And eventually… I said yes. At the end of the very first session, she said something that has since become foundational to my work with men. She said: “It’s so impressive how you can control yourself.” At first, I assumed she meant my erection. But over time, I realized she meant something much bigger. She meant my ability to regulate my physical, emotional, and energetic state. So many men, myself included in the past, are slaves to their inner tension. When urges rise… When strong emotions spike… When pleasure intensifies… They collapse. And often, they deal with that tension through ejaculation, either alone or prematurely during sex. It makes sense. It’s the fastest way to reduce intensity. But what most men don’t realize is this: Every time you use ejaculation as an escape, you train your nervous system to equate pressure with depletion. And that shows up in your intimacy. Seduction lives in tension. Passion thrives in erotic friction. Relational harmony depends on your ability to stay grounded when she is emotional. And the deepest levels of sexual bliss require the capacity to ride rising waves of pleasure without rushing to end them. Women understand this instinctively. And every time you collapse under intensity, her disappointment takes firmer root. If you want to improve your relationship with women; If you want more passion, more respect, more depth; You cannot let masturbation, ejaculation, or sleeping around become your primary emotional regulation strategy. You might think you do it just to enjoy yourself.

Hey Brother, The fastest way to get what you want, is to say what you want. It’s almost too obvious to say.  But many of us don’t do it.  Especially in the bedroom. We don’t want to feel weird,  or judged,  and we really don’t want to feel ashamed. Now, when you don’t say what you want,  what you’re really saying is: “I don’t trust that I can handle a no.” So we start pleasing, lying, manipulating or waiting— in the hopes that will get us what we want, without actually having to put ourselves out there. And if you’ve lived like that,  you already know how empty that feels.  I sure as hell do. Now, here’s the shift I had to make: Rejection isn’t failure,  or an attack on your self-worth.  It is clarity. She’s not into something you’re into?  That’s great! Now you can stop losing sleep over it. And here’s the thing most men don’t expect: When a man actually owns his desire,  and shares it without apology,  women are often far more open than he imagined. Because confidence in desire is attractive. The more you share your desires, the easier it becomes. You still won’t always get what you want. But the relief of no longer betraying yourself outweighs any no you’ll receive.  Once you stop seeing rejection as failure and start seeing it as clarity,  it becomes a powerful tool for alignment. And yes, that can be scary. Because finally owning your desire might reveal  that a relationship was never truly aligned to begin with. But here’s the thing: Many couples reach that conclusion  before they ever dared to speak their truth. So before you make drastic decisions,  why not practice honesty first? — Sanne