27d • General discussion
Nostalgia and its Entourage
There have been many different things lingering on my mind recently. I believe they are inteconnected and I want to talk about them. Let's start with
- Nostalgia
A word and a feeling that has accompanied me for amazingly long, but especially since this journey for meaning started. Derived from the greek words for "homecoming" (nóstos) and "pain" (àlgos) it originally described a medical condition prominent in Swiss mercenaries fighting away from home. However in modern use the word has transcended it's original definition in many ways, defined more generally as a sentimental longing for the past, a specific period of time, memory or place associated with happy memories. This is what I mean when I say I'm having nostalgic thoughts.
2. Comparison is the Thief of Joy.
That is a saying I've heard at some point in my life that has stuck with me. Every now and again I come to think of it. Especially in moments I might need it. I have a tendency to compare myself to everybody else. People on Social Media, people in my bubble, people in uni etc. That might be an isolated problem and perhaps would make for an interesting post in itself, but it is not what I want to discuss here.
I feel one thing I often compare myself with is my own past. The way I lived, the things I did, the people I knew and the way I treated these relationships. There's things I miss, that I used to have and now I don't. People, places, activities but most of all the feeling I get when thinking about it. I know it sounds corny but it feels like a warm evening at the end of summer with the sun slowly setting and the bright colors of sunset lingering after it did. It feels like the last day of a vacation, talking to all the people you met, for one last time, knowing fully well that you will never talk again. And it feels like the last time the friend group hung out as if it were forever, without anyone knowing that this is where the common path ends and you'll only be seeing one or the other every now and again. If I think of these moments (those were descirptions yes, but actual moments from my life too) and try to compare them to my daily life today, there is no comparison to be made. These memories, good as they are, make today seem grey.
There is actually a proposed psychological phenomenon which might in parts explain this. It is called rosy retrospection. Recalling the past more positively than it was actually experienced. I am aware of this concept but cannot shake the feeling still. (quick tangent: It reminds me of how on social media you only see highlights from other's lifes too, thinking nostalgically about the past does something very similar. I don't think nostalgically of the day my parents got divorced or the rejections I received, neither do I compare to an unshaved, fat 30 y/o incel living in his parents basement on social media, right? I believe there might be a point to be made here.) Feeling nostalgia automatically compares today to how I remember the past. And if I compare today to a past of which I mostly remember good parts it becomes clear how today might never be able to hold up.
3. Love and Hate
The aformentioned comparisons make me want to take action. There is two options you have when you're unhappy with the status quo. A) You indulge in the sadness, pain or sorrow, experience it to the fullest and accept that this is how your life is (this is not meant to sound mean). B) You take action to change something about the current situation. While it might not be a perfect dichotomy and the way I wrote it is rather unspecific, I believe I will find the reader agree at least in idea with my proposal. I have done A) enough for the rest of my life in my puberty, so I choose B). Choosing B) begs the question: If I decide to take action to change something about the current situation, do I act from love for myself or from hate for myself. Do I go to the gym 5x a week out of love for my body and it's health or out of hate for what I see when i look into the mirror? Do I study such and such many hours per day out of love for my mind and educating myself, or out of fear of failure and living with myself after it? But it goes the otehr way too: Do I drink a beer with a friend on a saturday night as a treat for good work during the week or is it from escapeism and addiction? While I can imagine these questions are easy for many people, to me they are not. I don't mean to imply self-hate of this severity, of course these are exagarated examples also. But I do catch myself wondering sometimes what my motives are, for these "improvements" I make to my life.
In consequence it must be asked, of course. Does it matter? Is the outcome not the same, independent of the motive? My answer is: No. While the outcome might be the same anyway yes, it is satisfaction where the two motives differ. It is meaning. Working from hate will never be fulfilling. It will never be enough. If everything you do in a day, you do despite or in defiance ("zum Trotz") of something, what the hell are you even doing? The meaning goes missing if you only work against something else (rather than *for* something). That is in long term of course. In short term hate will get you off the launch pad. Perhaps it can be what gets you started but it shouldn't be what keeps you going in the long run.
4. Conclusion
It is going well. Perhaps the way to overcome the feeling of nostalgia is to let go. Not let go of the past, the people or the moments. Even if I wanted to I think that wouldn't work. But letting go of the feeling, that every day you live should be a day you could feel nostalgic for in the future. There will be great moments waiting, as good or better than what I remember. But they're rare if you look for them. If you try to provoke them. I live and I put in work everyday, sometimes from love, sometimes from hate. There's moments I wish I could travel to the past again and moments where I remember the bad things too. I count the minutes to bed on some days and wish others would last a whole summer long. What's important is not to lose your head. Even if the bitter sweet memories creep in sometimes, let them pass. Without sad moments, how could we cherish the good ones. And without good ones today, how could I feel nostalgic in the future?
P.S.
I know the end got a bit corny, but it felt right. I don't hate feeling nostalgic. But it is a feeling I need to learn to handle/accept and perhaps writing it down like this can help me on this journey. I hope this wasn't too much of a mess to read also.
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Nostalgia and its Entourage
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