20d • General discussion
I want to vs. I have to
I can remember a conversation I had with somebody about 4 years ago. This conversation in particular was so memorizing for me because it made me mad. And as we all know, strong emotions make you remember things way better and detailed.
Why did I get mad? Because I knew exactly, that the other person used a cheap excuse to get out of the conversation.
She said "Well it was nice meeting you, I have to go right now because I have to eat something".
Well, maybe it was not really a cheap excuse. Maybe, she really was hungry and wanted to eat something.
What made me mad was not the fact, that she (maybe) used an excuse to get out of the conversation.
What made me mad is the fact, that she made it look like she had no chioce, and therefore it was not her fault that our conversation was apruptly stopped and it was not her fault, that she left me hanging right in the middle of the conversation.
"I HAVE TO go right now because I HAVE TO eat something"
In that moment I thought to myself:
"You know damn well, that you don't HAVE TO, but you just WANT TO. There's no law, or no rule, or no god, telling you that you have to. Take the fucking responsibility that is yours and own your faults" (like I said, I was mad).
And to this day, I think my thoughts weren't wrong.
If you say "I have to", when in reality you just "want to" that's being dishonest to yourself (I thought about using the word "lying" instead of "being dishonest to yourself", but most of the time, lying is more intentional and people don't intentionally say "I have to" instead of "I want to").
Being honest to yourself is "I want to go, because I want to eat something"
If she had said that, I probably wouldn't have been so mad. If somebody said something like that to me today, I'd even say "well that's said but thank you for your honesty".
(Most of the time, people intuitively know anyways when something is just a cheap excuse and when somebody is telling the truth)
What I like about using "I want to" instead of "I have to", is:
- I AM VERBALLY TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MY ACTIONS (Honestly, I am just annoyed, when people don't take the responsibility they should. "It's not my fault that this is happening", is essentially what people say when they say "I have to")
- IT SIGNALS THE POWER I HAVE OVER MY ACTIONS --> CONFIDENCE (It makes me see the power of choice I really have and that makes me confident. Also as a bonus, it signals power to the person you're speaking to as well)
- I AM BEING HONEST TO MYSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON.
(That makes you more trustworthy for yourself and other people).
So next time if you say "I have to", pause and think "do I really have to, because of a rule or a law or anything else, or am I just not taking the resposibility I should?"
Remember: It starts in the little things.
Have a great week :)
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I want to vs. I have to
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