Try to use the word “normal” in therapy and you’ll get the proverbial hand slap almost every time. I understand the concern. What’s normal? Who defines it? Therapists don’t want you trying to compare yourself to some vision of “normal” that simply doesn’t exist. I’ve been scolded for using the word so many times that it makes it challenging for me to be okay with the definition of kink. According to Merriam-Webster, kink is defined as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior.” Sit with that for a second. If you consider yourself kinky, how does it make you feel? When I first started discovering my kinks, I felt that they were weird and shameful. What kind of messed up person gets turned on by being choked? I would have agreed with the definition back then, but no longer. My educated guess is that what may have been unconventional when the definition was decided on, may be standard these days. Now that I’m a card-carrying member of the community, I’m constantly surrounded by people who share my kinks or engage in ones I’ve never even heard of. If there are so many of us out there, are we really “unconventional”? Questions regarding our sexual proclivities are unlikely to be added to the census. That’s why open dialogue is so important to me. Shame feeds on silence. We can tell ourselves that we’re abnormal or unconventional. But if we start having these conversations, we just may realize we’re not so alone. And we may even find some new play friends! I’m not saying that kinks don’t exist. I just think it’s time to revisit the definition. Toss “unconventional” in the trash with your used condoms! My working definition of kink is this – anything that brings you sexual pleasure (with yourself or with other consenting adults – yes, plural is welcome). Anytime you hear me talk about kinks, know that this is how I see them, with no judgement or shame.

Sexual dysfunction is defined as an ongoing challenge in one or more areas of the sexual response (desire, arousal and/or orgasm). AND it must cause you significant distress. If you’re someone who enjoys sex without the need to orgasm, carry on. They can result from biological factors such as hormone imbalances, medication side effects, or cardiovascular disease so you should always consult a doctor if you’re concerned. However, in many cases, “dysfunction” can be a result of relational stress, performance anxieties, or simply not clearly understanding what you want. That’s where pleasure education comes in!