But we can pretend with the best actors in the world! This is a group of people who have lived their worst possible day… and are still here. Broken. Suffering. Trying to breathe in and out while comforting others as well. The bereaved who have no choice but to go on is one of the strongest people you will ever meet!! Or be! But you are not alone, we are all in this and doing our best… we are not ok either.

I will probably never understand or accept why my life (remaining here on earth) was more valuable that my sons. The things he could have done are immeasurable! The generosity, the strength, intelligence. Remarkable. All superior to me. I feel like the ONLY resolve I have is to believe I was being punished. Maybe I didn’t protect him enough, or I sheltered him too much, or I simply have done something I am completely unaware of! These are things that come in and out of my mind every day. The things I battle, even unconsciously, in my very soul! The realist in me, the Christian I grew up as, knows this is all illogical thought. There is no reason that anyone could explain. There is no profound wisdom? We are all just living here on faith, on borrowed time. At the mercy of fate! God is a lion who does not concern himself with sheep… He does not need to answer us, He just needs to carry on showing us danger is near and hoping we choose things that keep us safe.

Today was a tough one. Not my grief, but my almost heart attack. I have a condition that causes extremely high heart rate and the process to bring it down was not working. This was scary. My children and grandsons were very frightened and upset. I wasn’t sure my “I’ll be fine in a minute” would be true this time. For a brief moment, I imagined seeing my son again. I thought, “why not? Then I heard my grandson say, “ oh no we can’t lose her too!” And I remebered why I am still alive. Why every single day I make the choice to stay here, be present, despite the agony I am in. I am STILL HERE, and so are you!! What is you why, your reason matters!