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11d (edited) • Intellectual/Personal Growth💡
🌿Cortisol is expensive. Forgiveness is free and the ultimate power move
Want to be free of old hurts? Give. forgiveness a try. Maybe you're not quite at that point, but maybe, just maybe, it's worth leaning into...just a little bit? You owe it to yourself and it is an act of self respect...
Forgiveness gets talked about like it is some soft, floaty abtract idea, but psychologically it is a form of emotional agency..Freedom.. At its core, forgiveness is the process of releasing the emotional charge around a hurt so it stops taking up space in your mind and body. It does not mean forgetting, excusing or reconciling and it is not a free pass for bad behavior. Let's look at those statements again..."Forgiveness DOES NOT mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling. It is NOT a free pass for bad behavior." Sometimes we worry that that's what forgiveness will do--that it will leave us vulnerable/open to being hurt again. That somehow acceptance of what has happened means that it they get a free pass... It is NOT that.
A lil friendly reminder: forgiveness is for the person who carries the wound/hurt, not the one who created it (though, it can absolutely carry a ripple effect for the person that has done the offense and this can be kind of cool too!). You are the one living with the stress response, the rumination and the emotional hangover. Letting go is about clearing your nervous system and taking back energy that has been stuck in a ruminative cycle. It's living more empowered rather than enslaved to an emotion... I'll say it again--freedom.
What Forgiveness Does for You
1. Reduces emotional load: Anger, resentment and rumination activate the stress system as if the wound is still happening. Forgiveness helps settle the nervous system and brings mental clarity. That's kinda cool, eh?
2. Restores agency: By choosing to forgive, you stop waiting for the other person to repair what they broke. You get to regain control of your narrative and your emotional energy. Don't fool yourself, emotional energy absolutely carries weight and can get heaaavy.
3. Improves physical and mental well being: Research shows forgiveness is linked with lower blood pressure, less anxiety, better sleep and higher life satisfaction. I mean...less stress would do that, right?
4. Keeps the past from shaping the present: You are no longer living from the injury and the narrative of the past. Lean into values and you'll live from those instead. :)
What Forgiveness Can Do for the Other Person (I know...maybe it's hard to think about this, but...if the goal is reconciliation (and maybe sometimes even if it's not), it can be helpful).
1. It removes the emotional tension in an environment. When you let go of bitterness/resentment/aimed anger, the dynamic changes. The other person no longer feels like they are bracing for impact or navigating unspoken tension.
2. It can open the door to accountability. Forgiveness can sometimes create the psychological safety the other person needs to reflect on their behavior. Not always, but often more than anger can. Someone may think that they don't deserve it, and maybe they don't, but what is the goal here? Your why for engaging in any kind of behavior or thought pattern matters. Know your why.
3. It models emotional maturity. Healthy forgiveness shows others what growth looks like. It can influence them to show up differently or repair the relationship. And...even if it doesn't, you may feel better about yourself for showing up in this way .
4. It allows the relationship to evolve. Even if reconnection is not your goal, forgiveness can clear the air so future interactions are more neutral and less charged.
So, how do we forgive?
1. Acknowledge the hurt. Name what happened and how it impacted you. This validates your experience and signals to your brain that you are safe to process it. This allows you to face reality for what it is. It may be helfpul to write an impact letter, even if you never send it. (impact letter-maybe a topic for another day)
2. Separate the person from the wound-this is cognitive reframing. You do not have to approve of their behavior, but you can see it as a product of their own limitations, immaturity or pain. This removes some of its power over you. I cannot stress this point enough. This helps with building understanding and compassion and with helping not taking it as personally. The idea that hurt people hurt people definitely plays a role in this...
3. This is a tough one...Release the expectation that they must be sorry.This is hard...Really hard. But waiting for someone to feel remorse keeps you tied to the injury. Forgiveness does not require their participation. It is a unilateral decision to free yourself. If the goal is reconciliation, then it absolutely requires their active participation. Their ability to own their stuff is VERY important if this is the goal.
4. Another important one: set boundaries where needed. Remember, forgiving someone does not mean excusing the bad behavior and it does not have to mean granting them re-entry into your life or giving them the same access as before. You can forgive and still protect yourself.
5.Similar /related to the second point--- Experiment with compassion, not to excuse but to understand. Compassion softens the emotional edges. You can hold compassion and still maintain distance and still have boundaries!
6. Let go slowly and don't judge yourself if it doesn't happen quickly.Forgiveness is often a process with stages, not a one time event. Some days you may feel more free than others... Be curious with what shows up within yourself--what part may still need healing? Sometimes things pop back up because the neural pathways have been worn over time and it's just habit, other times it's an indicator that additional healing needs to take place.
Forgiveness is ultimately an act of self respect. It is a gift that starts with you, but it can move outward in unexpected ways. It can help loosen old patterns, soften defenses and create possibilities for healing on both sides (if that's what the goal is)...Forgiveness is freeing..
Questions to ponder: What has helped you move toward forgiveness when the other person never took accountability? Have you ever forgiven someone and seen it change them as well?
Is forgiveness something that comes easily to you?
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🌿Cortisol is expensive. Forgiveness is free and the ultimate power move
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