**Trigger warning: this post makes reference to depression and suicide/suicidal thoughts** We’re shit at communicating. Today in reading about another untimely passing in sport, this time of Robin Smith, I came across an article that spoke of his struggles with his mental health which started after being dropped by England, where in his own words, a change of management meant he lost the support network he’d built up previously. Added to this loss of routine, certainty and control, he went through a long battle against drinking, a divorce after a long marriage, 2 attempts on his own life and just recently being told his partner had a low chance of surviving her illness. The first thing that struck me as particularly poignant were these words: ‘My brother Chris and son Harrison were called in by doctors (after being admitted to hospital with cirrhosis of the liver) and told I had a five per cent chance of walking out. 'Drinking a bottle of vodka a day for 12 years obviously didn’t do the liver much good. The trauma brought home how he had worn a mask during his career, living up to a persona that wasn’t him, to the extent of answering mainly to a nickname, ‘Judgie’, given to him as a youngster because his crinkly hair resembled a lawyer’s wig. ‘It was always really difficult, because people know Judgie as Judgie, and I’m Robin. Robin Smith. "The Judge was a fearless warrior; Robin Arnold Smith was a frantic worrier," That someone who revelled in facing some of the fastest, shortest bowling from intimidating bowlers to say that he was a frantic worrier shows to me how our subconscious is adept at creating personalities to deal with situations in life – situations that are often different to our true, original persona. In creating these personalities, our subconscious is trying to meet our core human needs by helping to ensure our survival in the moment. One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to sit down and discover which characters and personalities has our subconsciously created (and continues to create) in our lives. Each character is doing something for us, whether we know it or not, and often all our characters needs is recognition and compassion for what they are doing, even if we don’t readily like them. When we map ourselves out in this manner, we begin to realise the means of repairing our self worth.

Since i am off today I decide to do a nice walk of 2h35minute to try to keep my fitbit steps high but it not really working because today I was not really in the mood to go but glad I did because it was a nice day around 10h39am I went

Since it is Thanksgiving in Canada and I am off i decide to go for a nice walk this morning of 2h 35 minute it was chilly morning but I dress more warmer for them because I love doing it outside my exercise

I had a nice walk in the nature this morning for 2h 29 minute and just listen to wind blowing and seeing the nice color leave on the tree but the wind is blowing them down and did it in15.49km it was a chilly start only 9 degrees Celsius so I had my headband and my small glove on this morning with my hoodie.

My win is that my body didn't freak or panic inside when i want to clean at a new place thay was a lunchroom because of the fire and DNR and the co-workers are using it and it was not clean so the director ask my manager if i could clean it and what is it funny how my body is changing for a better me. I even talk to co-workers that was new to me because it was my first time going there.