2d • General discussion
We're shit at communicating
**Trigger warning: this post makes reference to depression and suicide/suicidal thoughts**
We’re shit at communicating.
Today in reading about another untimely passing in sport, this time of Robin Smith, I came across an article that spoke of his struggles with his mental health which started after being dropped by England, where in his own words, a change of management meant he lost the support network he’d built up previously. Added to this loss of routine, certainty and control, he went through a long battle against drinking, a divorce after a long marriage, 2 attempts on his own life and just recently being told his partner had a low chance of surviving her illness.
The first thing that struck me as particularly poignant were these words:
‘My brother Chris and son Harrison were called in by doctors (after being admitted to hospital with cirrhosis of the liver) and told I had a five per cent chance of walking out.
'Drinking a bottle of vodka a day for 12 years obviously didn’t do the liver much good.
The trauma brought home how he had worn a mask during his career, living up to a persona that wasn’t him, to the extent of answering mainly to a nickname, ‘Judgie’, given to him as a youngster because his crinkly hair resembled a lawyer’s wig.
‘It was always really difficult, because people know Judgie as Judgie, and I’m Robin. Robin Smith.
"The Judge was a fearless warrior; Robin Arnold Smith was a frantic worrier,"
That someone who revelled in facing some of the fastest, shortest bowling from intimidating bowlers to say that he was a frantic worrier shows to me how our subconscious is adept at creating personalities to deal with situations in life – situations that are often different to our true, original persona. In creating these personalities, our subconscious is trying to meet our core human needs by helping to ensure our survival in the moment.
One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to sit down and discover which characters and personalities has our subconsciously created (and continues to create) in our lives. Each character is doing something for us, whether we know it or not, and often all our characters needs is recognition and compassion for what they are doing, even if we don’t readily like them. When we map ourselves out in this manner, we begin to realise the means of repairing our self worth.
Further into the article, Robin says:
'I have always been very quiet, reserved, shy. I speak a little bit now publicly about mental health, and I was very, very close twice, within minutes, of finishing my life.
‘I wish I’d spoken to my friends. I didn’t want to burden them with my problems, but I should have reached out to them. Anyone who thinks they might be a burden on their friends, they’re absolutely not. You’ve just got to be open and be yourself.’
This bought back a stark reminder of the passing of another England middle order stalwart in Graham Thorpe last year, who took his own life last year after struggling with depression and anxiety, stemming from unexpectedly losing his job as a coach last year. Certainty and control is one of our strongest human needs, which for many of us comes in the form of our employment and support networks. The familiarity and steadiness of the routine gives us the comfort and safety we need as humans. When that is unexpectedly taken from us, we open ourselves to the fear that comes from uncertainty. And that fear involves being seen as uncertain or out of the norm i.e. not what everyone is like or doing, felt in things like embarrassment for losing your job, worrying what family and friends will say). This is when we can feel we shouldn’t be in the mess that we saw others in our childhood growing up, and therefore to be seen anything less than safe and secure and certain is not acceptable to us i.e. not good enough. To then talk to others about it feels and sounds alien so we start to retreat into ourselves.
As Robin Smith says above, he didn’t want to feel like a burden to others – which is our subconscious’ way of saying ‘I’m looking to protect you from the fear of going into and exploring what feeling like a burden might look like by avoiding it altogether’. Yet when we give ourselves the chance to open up about this, we can find people can be willing to listen and connect with us, without either side feeling the pressure to fix things or give advice – something I experienced this myself on the weekend when I opened up to 2 of my cousins who just listened when I said I was struggling. They just offered to listen to what I had to say – that was it.
With Graham Thorpe, his wife has recently said that had he had a form of support network/framework to make him feel more connected and supported, it would have made all the difference.
Connections becoming distance or communication breaking down can happen in our lives. What seems to be an accepted norm nowadays are behaviours and patterns like ghosting, leading people to ultimately make assumptions like that they are not good enough to be kept in touch with – which is somewhat ironic given we’ve never had as many means to keep in touch with people. Connection is also one of our core human needs and when we feel its not being met, we can withdraw away into ourselves or utilize our characters that just copes with the situation as best it can – even if that means we look or seem ok to other people.
At the same time, we observe and add fuel to the disconnection by blaming others, especially the other gender – "its mens fault, its womens fault, men should see/do this, women need to do/see this"; thinly disguised posts, digs and jibes against each other in the name of banter and discourse, when we’re all part of the problem. It’s something we can all do a bit better at, to listen, to reconnect without an ulterior motive or twist ourselves into worry about how we come across.
I don’t expect this post to move trees or bring about wholesale changes from people. Yet if it can inspire one person to think and act in whatever way brings about a bit more connection in their space with another human being, then that’ll do.
On the pitch, both Robin Smith and Graham Thorpe were highly talented, courageous, tenacious batsmen who took on intimidating, daunting challenges with relish and whose teams often looked to to bail them out of trouble. Yet despite all their success, they were just humans off the field who needed the same connection that we all do, yet it was something neither could feel they could open up about.
Connections and communication are something we can all help each other on – it doesn’t take time at all (time incidentally that we ALL have, no-one is that busy to not reply to people) nor does it take a massive effort. It can all start with just a hello. We are all underestimating the value, comfort, reassurance and certainty that comes from just hearing (back) from people.
We won’t always get it right, me included. We are all trying to work our way through.
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We're shit at communicating
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