2d • Just Checking In
Admin Days
I really hate admin days.
My shadow loves them as they get between me and the truest work - the art - whilst being "productive" and therefore "aren't bad" and I should "do more of them" etc etc.
But is there a deeper shadow about being a good enough artist? or getting the admin done quickly enough? or being successful enough at protecting my time? Yes, absolutely, its like a hazy room full of eval cigar smoking villains all working on their own evil plans to foil the hero. Or a hydra I must face each morning when faced with competing distractions and tasks. Shadow after shadow comes up to say "FOCUS ON ME" "NO FOCUS ON ME!"
And the truth for me today, is admin days are better than letting the admin creep into the art days, because if I don't do the art straight away then I rarely get to doing it at all, if I do I judge it is usually of a lesser quality when I am tired and stressed from it having taken so long.
Even this post, here today, 'necessary admin' is turned into a tool of procrastination to avoid doing the bigger, scarier task of messaging people and asking for work. Of sending them my CV and of asking them if they have any contacts they could set me up for a call with.
But now I have done this task and I have to decide if I will do the big scary one or another smaller one that feels safer and less threatening to my current story - that I can't make it as an artist, that it wont all work out well and that I will fail and have to crawl back to a horrible office job.
I HATE that story, it twists and cuts at my innards, it rots and decays my heart. I hate it.
So, what will I do for myself? I will tack the big hairy scary monster like its a rugby player on the other team and I will risk getting absolutely crumpled to do it. And it will be scary, but it need not be horrible. it need not be suffering.
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Admin Days
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