the opposite of control is trust... and here is the secret to DEEP confidence...

Aaron Doughty

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Jun '25 • General discussion

confidence comes when you know who you are and live according to your own chosen values

growing up we learn that to be loved, we may need to achieve, to be perfect, to please, to fix, to be agreeable etc

we may take on the values of wanting approval and validation at the expense of vulnerability and authenticity

all as a trauma response to survive

growing up I only received "love" and validation when I was staying in line, when I was agreeable and when I followed the rules

I had to abandon my own needs to survive and that left me in old patterns of people pleasing and tuning to others for validation and fighting to PROVE myself to others

this led to attracting love dynamics where I would choose people I felt I had to "fix" or hold space for

I would choose people who were emotionally unavailable because that felt normal to childhood

when them I could feel "safe" in my old stories of proving myself and fixing others (who I projected onto them brokenness)

this was all a reflection of a subconscious co-dependent pattern

I identified as a FIXER who would come and save the day

who needed a perpetrator and victim to either fight against or save

for years I had controlling managers and girlfriends I felt NEEDED me who I would try to save

the hard thing for me to see through was this...

I got a "payoff" from being in this pattern

I got to be GOOD and a SUPERMAN like person to someone else

I also got to NOT look at my own stuff because everyone else was the problem...

the perpetrator was MEAN and the girlfriend was a helpless victim

I was too busy in the pattern to see that it kept me distracted from my own stuff

I was avoiding looking at myself

I was avoiding choosing myself

I let guilt and survival mode control me and keep me responsible for others

I can also see that these distractions where mechanisms of using CONTROL...

if I could fix the girlfriend... I could feel good about myself, she would meet my needs and love me and never leave

if I fought for freedom against the controlling person, I could play the same pattern that was alive since childhood... is there even another way to be?

trusting mean having the courage to go into the unknown

courage to speak your trust and express how you feel

the courage to realize and look inwards

and the courage to CHOOSE your own values

when I did this my whole life changed

I started to feel safe in my own body and felt confident in the values of authenticity and vulnerability

this meant speaking my truth, setting boundaries, opening my heart, taking down the feminine shield, and more

the result of this was a whole new world!

sort of like in Aladdin! (cue music)

if you want to learn exactly how to let go of control and survival from childhood to let in love or to go deeper in your relationship...

we will do that starting tomorrow! did you grab your spot yet? grab it here https://www.confidencelovechallenge.com/21-days63229522

live hotseat coaching, live breathwork, live meditations and more to help you attract love, release codpendency and TRUST in yourself and the Divine in a whole new way

anyways let me know your takeaway from this post and if it resonated!

whats your core story around love? who would you be without it?

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