HWs 7, 8, & 9 · High Vibe Tribe

HWs 7, 8, & 9

For homework number 7, I wrote down that my child self (whom I tend to experience as being between 8 and 12) felt sad and not enough. I didn't want to be here. My young child self already had sexual shame, sexual interest, and a fear of being touched. My young self didn't feel safe expressing desires - boundaries and things he wanted/wanted to do.

Apparently being able to choose his own clothes was a big deal to my younger self. Which is interesting, as an adult I have never enjoyed clothes. On any given day I am wearing a random assortment of random second-hand things friends and community members have given me. Prior, I would just wear the same thing every day, I would wear shoes until they had holes in them and just about everything else. Right now my thermals were a gift from a coworker. My pants were a gift from my sister. My shirt was a gift from a friend. My jacket was a gift from another friend. My socks and shoes I bought, which was a break in pattern for me. I prefer being barefoot and have been able to be barefoot most of the time for the last few years due to my lifestyle and what I do for work, and this summer I needed to take a regular job which inspired me to buy toe socks and three pairs of barefoot shoes because I feel better with that footwear.

My younger self really wanted to wear costumes and wants me to wear costumes... which I guess is another way of saying I have been becoming increasingly aware that I have a sense of style I've always ignored and want to wear period and other exotic clothing everyday that most people would only wear on Halloween. I've never celebrated Halloween.

In the days since I've also recognized that I feel shame and the need to justify my relationship with touch. I greatly desire touch. My child and even adult self did not feel comfortable with touch with most people, which meant I was very needy with those few people that I felt comfortable touching, my father, my sister (who have their own issues with touch) and basically girlfriends. On the flip side, I do a lot of dance and somatic practices and feel like I have to apologize for the fact that I am often frigid even with lovers when it comes to touch (basically with most people if I don't feel I have all the power I don't feel safe and can become frigid), and so that's most and feel the need to apologize for that and for the fact that at times I just feel overwhelmed by touch due to various things from my past - both early childhood and in adulthood.

For homework 8, I need to redo it. I don't remember what it brought up specifically, but just prior I had an errant thought that rang true about my self-concept and what I feel I need to be enough despite all the work I've done. (Basically a relationship that lasts.) My mom sexually abused me once when I was very small. Just once. But why not twice? Its a dark thought, but no matter what life and God shows me to the contrary, there are still parts of me that has his self-worth tied up in past rejections. First, my mother as fucked up as that sounds, and the rejection from one of my past girlfriends. (Other girlfriends I have healthy relationships with the rejection, but this one, the worst aspects of our relationship mirrored my parents and the deal breaker for her was how frozen I was in my body) I went to sleep half-way through the meditation because I wanted a break from all that noise.

Similarly, with homework 9, I was still dealing with a lot. I completed the meditation, and there was insight but I don't remember it. I was focused since last night on not falling into negative coping mechanisms (an old addiction) and I was getting "the shakes" really hard during the meditation. At the moment I feel a bit disconnected, though I didn't pass the point of no return in regards to my former addiction it was damn close. I went for a walk and bought some cards to send to friends back home. I'm just posting because I can't keep putting off the accountability part of the homework.

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HWs 7, 8, & 9