What Wagon Wheels · Operation Shredline

What Wagon Wheels

Just when you feel really good about yourself and things seem to be going well, life has one sick sense of humour and pulls the wheels off your wagon.

I thought I did good last week only to find out that I had not done anything except waste Danielle's time. Grrr plenty of stress at work, in life, working double shifts, lack of sleep, and still slugging away braking my poor eating habits with an alien diet. It's Claire's birthday tomorrow and I always get sad, very sad that we are no longer able to share it anymore due to an evil criminal drunk driver, who needless to say is still walking this planet. (at least until I find her)

15 years ago, but it feels as raw as if it was yesterday. My intense rage is building in me and I do struggle not to explode sometimes, coping with work, running my own business, stress, life, my gorgeous baby girls, and changing my whole physical fibre is draining me to be honest. A colleague was mocking my wife (he didn't know apparently) today and the next thing I saw was him dangling over the second storey balcony with my hands around his throat. Not my finest hour to be fair, usually have better control, well I think I do. I handle all kinds of shit thrown at me without missing a beat, but slight my girls, either of passed wives, and my family and it is uncontrollable rage. I haven't had one of these episodes for the last 15 years, it was like I blacked out and apparently smashed this guy like a rag doll all through the kitchen and dinning room.

I think it is age that makes it more acute but today was a bad day, a human being is in hospital at my hand for slagging off my dead wife. I know she'll be so disappointed in me for this. I was never worthy of her kind, funny, bight, compassionate, loving, and thoughtful soul. She used to love me unconditionally even with my dodgy family and my sketchy past, none of that bothered her, "we cant fix the past, but we can positively influence our future" her rose tinted outlook I guess, not mine as I have lived my life in the trenches watching the privileged waste it, being homeless, vulnerable, fighting to eat out of recusant bins on the streets of London changes you forever, Clair changed my life forever.

I think the programme is going to take a back seat for a bit, I know the food is healing my body I feel it. I am unsure why I triggered like I did, lots of mixed feelings, emotions and real angry right now, so confused, resentful, and angry at the world. I know I need to heal my head, heal my emotions, make peace with my soul, and just not think right now, I will try to keep the body on track but right now its not a priority for me. Chat soon guys,🤬

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