My Little Update · Operation Shredline

My Little Update

Hi Guys and Gals,

Just a little update from me; I'm still alive; I'm still working way too hard; I'm still failing at life; I'm struggling mentally; I'm struggling financially; and I'm still on the protocol.

I am still alive: Really loving periods of my life, my girls, this community, and generally feeling a whole lot healthier and better all round. I am looking forward to living better and more.

I'm still working too hard: I'm struggling to grow my business through a transition from one source of income to another, one big client every 3 to 12 months to lots of smaller local independent smaller clients with smaller payments, etc, feel so thinly spread it hurts sometimes. 105 hour working week last week including travelling across the country, it is just not sustainable so I hope the cycle breaks soon. It is not for the lack of trying, effort, or commitment.

I'm failing at life: Despite being generally a good person there are times of extreme fatigue, spiteful people trying to hurt me or mine and I have struggled to hold my tongue and not get aggressive. I have let myself down in a few ways, by letting others provoke me into actions that are not me, but I

fell into that trap. I have not dealt with dickheads well and upset some of my grandchildren. I totally lost my shit with one of my daughters husband for belittling, humiliating, and disrespecting her in front of my grandchildren and his mates. If they were not there he would have been in hospital now. My control over that kind of rage has become harder the healthier and older I get, which to me is odd. I will not apologise to an abusive dickhead so everyone hates me and believes I am the villain, this narcissists plays the victim well. Lois understands me and is still talking to me, she said, "I know Jason was a dickhead and I know you love me more than your own life, but I will deal with him as I don't want to lose you by going to jail, not for him, he is not worth it." Between you and this group she is divorcing him for physical and meatal abuse, I was so proud of her in that moment, she said "all I wont is to be like you and mum were back in the day, nothing more, nothing less". She broke my heart right there and then, but I felt so happy and proud she was strong enough to see through all her husbands bullshit and lies.

I'm struggling mentally: This protocol has improved my life immensely, I'm planning for the future for the first time in years, I'm happy, clearer in thought, more energy, but I am feeling it is wasted as my work life balance is all over the place. I am still struggling with my bereavements. I feel stuck in the past but want something new for my future. I am desperate to provide a better life for my girls and see them struggling everyday with life. I know it is all relative, I try to remind them and myself compared to some of my friends in Africa, we have it easy. So, right now I'm trapped in my own head on many fronts, my only real controllable outlet is work harder. I work harder when being stressed, dealing with frustration, dealing with anger, and ongoing turmoil to the point my best client was so concerned about my hours, he raised a genuine concern at a private meeting and my eldest three have paid me a surprise visit today to ask I go easier on myself. The thing is I cannot, it is not how I'm wired, it is not how I cope. Life has dealt me shit all my life, some really deep and dark shit to be honest, I just get digging and I dig my way out with pure will. I do not stop until I see daylight again, then life smacks me with another load of shit and the cycle repeats. Some shit I'm still digging my way out of, when bang there is another load. My sister tells me "If you didn't have bad luck, you'd literally have no luck at all".

I'm struggling finically: I have had a perfect record for three years and 10 months, all happy customers. I got lazy or over confident or maybe both and I have upset and let down three big clients this month, they all want refunds and I have not been able to win them over with reworks, free stuff, and apologies etc. They are lost and I need to find the money for refunds, I am struggling to find £9,500 as it was all reinvested. I have two big birthdays coming up with the girls, my USA launch is drying up all my reserves, and I have had to change accountants as they've screwed up my tax return so the Inland Revenue want a pound of flesh too, one that I did not budget for. the accountant has made a cock up that will cost me another £12,000 and all I get is "I am really sorry, it is too late to correct. You will have to claim on my insurance and sue me. I hope you don't as I will loose my business, but I cannot afford to correct this mistake" not the answer I need right now, as that will take years. Grr, I just need to breathe.

My one thing I am still doing for me, I'm still on the protocol: I know I've not been in here much and I do apologise for being absent after you've all supported me so well. I am soldiering on, I am now down 23kg or to my US Community buddies that is 50.7lbs. I am kind of proud of that, even though I am not the finished article. I will keep on going as I want more now, I'm addicted to it. I want more weight loss, more mental clarity, more feeling alive, more feeling healthy, more energy. I am also (despite

@Danielle Wright

protests) going to start boxing again, sorry I am not a sprinter my friend I'm a fighter always have been. I have lost so much muscle over the years of body abuse, I've aways been a big guy but I was stocky. built like a brick out house so to speak. I used to box and play rugby and my day job then was hand balling 80 tonnes of flour from my truck into to corner shops, usually up stairs in there storage area, or right through the shop to the back room (your typical corner shop in the UK). Milled flour was and still is a high selling item for pancakes, pitta breads, nan bread, popedom's cakes, biscuits, bread, it even went in stuff you never realised, like soup, pies etc. you name it this flour went all over the world. My patch was the north of England, Manchester to Carlisle and my boss loved me because I was the only driver to frequently delivered two 40 tonne truck loads three days a week. They used to trunk up a loaded truck to Bolton each day for me to swap into. My worst delivery, yet best customer was the posh cake shop. Gemma the owner was a lovely lady, about my age, very flirty, very funny, very friendly, and really nice. She would always joke if only you weren't married I'd ruin you for woman kind forever, great cakes and lovely tea, often get used as a guinea pig for new recipes. Not really sure what that comment meant tbh honest just bit of banter, she used to love Claire too as they hit it off straight away when she came on my deliveries. Anyway her store was through the shop, out the back into and through the rear garage, down two levels in the basement, and down narrow rickety wooden stairs in the dark, from parking point to drop off it was 273 meters (895 feet) with three fights of stairs. Every two weeks she'd have 45 tonne of flour delivered and I was the only driver who would deliver to here, my work mates all refused due to the distance and risk of falling down the stairs.

Anyway I digress, the boxing I aim to do will help me with my anger issues of that there is no doubt, which will help me mentally and I do hope put dome shape back into my pathetic body. I am, so weak in comparison. I am waiting for the sever slap from

@Danielle Wright

but it will be worth it. I believe this is phase two of my evolution, so I hope to get some guidance once you've got the slapping and aggression out the way 😁💯

Anyway my wonderful bunch of humans, I'm just me touching base. Thinking of you all,

@Leonardo Muller-Rodriguez

still trying to find a Waitrose for them pork scratchings, I think I need a proper supermarket as the locals and the motorway Waitrose don't even know what I'm talking about LOL. 🤣🤣🤣. I do keep

@Danielle Wright

in the loop most days with my annoying messages and voice notes. Be back soon guys, big hugs guys, hang in there all them struggling and keep going, it is so bloody worth it!!!! 💯

120 comments