12d • 🧸 Grooming
Don't Tattle
Most of us grew up hearing “Don’t tattle.” And to be fair, it usually came from a very human place. When as a parent you’ve listened to ten arguments before lunch about who sat where or who touched whose Lego, you just want a break from the sibling broadcast.
But kids don’t hear “stop tattling” the way we mean it. Where we’re saying, “Please stop reporting every tiny thing,” they often hear, “Adults don’t want to hear problems.”
That’s the part that matters.
Because kids don’t yet know which problems are small and which ones actually need an adult. They learn that from us through every little interaction, not just the big conversations.
Instead of shutting things down with “Don’t tattle,” try something like:
“Is this something I need to know?”
It’s simple, and it teaches them three things at once:
- Pause and think.
- Decide if the issue is small or serious.
- Know that you’re always open to hearing it.
That last one is the most important. You want your child to grow up believing they can come to you, even if they’re not sure how big the issue is. That belief is one of their strongest safety tools.
Now Let’s Talk About Secrets
Parents often say, “This is our little secret,” about harmless things.
A treat you got together, a surprise outing, a fun moment you don’t want turned into sibling drama.
Totally normal.
But here’s the part we don’t often think about. Kids don’t understand categories of secrets the way adults do.
Adults think: “This is harmless, no big deal.”
Kids think: “Sometimes I keep things from others if an adult asks me to.”
That’s the exact behaviour predators leverage.
Not by scaring the child, but by mimicking the same dynamic the child already knows. Shared secrecy, special attention, a sense of “this is just between us”
Predators don’t create new behaviour, they exploit the patterns kids already understand.
The Fix Is Simple. Surprises, Not Secrets
A powerful rule you can put in place right away is:
“In our family, we don’t keep secrets, only surprises.”
Kids grab onto this instantly.
A surprise is something everyone will find out soon.
A secret is something someone wants hidden.
A milkshake outing becomes: “Let’s surprise your brother later and tell him together.” and your child learns a crystal-clear red flag that any adult who asks for a secret is doing something wrong.
Predators don’t thrive when kids are scared. They thrive when kids are unsure, silenced, or conditioned to keep quiet. They rely on confusion. Clarity removes the opportunity.
Kids are always learning from us, even in the moments when we wish they’d stop yelling at us about Lego disputes. And when you take those little moments and turn them into gentle, guided conversations instead of shutdowns, you’re doing far more than managing behaviour. You're shaping how they’ll speak up now and in the future.
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Don't Tattle
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