Great topic! My first therapist used to drill this expression into me.... "name it to tame it". If it's gonna be awkward, saying "hey, this is gonna be awkward but.... " instantly makes it less awkward. If you're in a conflict situation and you're feeling really frustrated, saying "fuck me, I'm feeling super frustrated right now", will turn down the volume on that frustration a bit. But I think it really comes down to what I was saying in another thread at some point... the people that are the conversation starters, those are the leaders. That is the strength, being vulnerable... breaching the weird. I'm sure there are better and worse ways to go about it, but being awkward and goofy and clunky and not knowing what to say next, is better than not saying anything at all. I think it's safe to say there is no helping others, without being vulnerable, and that's generally what men really suck at. It's a bit of a paradox really... ironic even.... but THE MOST courageous thing men can do is the thing we've always been told that makes us weak. Vulnerability is strength. The rest is just armour. That's my take. I'm hoping I can make the call this saturday.

One more point I'd like to make on this, but I think your instinct is right here, Jeff. We need to stop putting the onus on the people that are in need of help, and put that on the shoulders of the men around that guy. When you're feeling overwhelmed the last thing you're ever going to feel is motivation to reach out and open up to someone when you've never done that before. But moving that onus isn't going to work on its own. We need tools. Tips and tricks to help ease the ick a bit. Simple shit. Like "name it to tame it." One thing that makes tough conversations SOOOOO much easier, is sitting side by side, not face-to-face. Don't go out to a coffee shop or a pub, instead grab a coffee to go and go sit on a log at the beach (my favourite) or go for a walk, or a drive. Some of the biggest, deepest talks me and my wife have are in the car. Do the "no really" thing... If you've decided to reach out and help a buddy, and you muster up all the gumption and sit beside him on the tailgate and drop a, "soooooo, how you doing?" and he throws back a "good... yeah, everything's fine.". Let him know you're looking for the real shit, "No seriously though, how are you ACTUALLY doing...". It lands very differently. Connect before digging in... go out and do something together for a bit before you open the talk, have some laughs... go to an axe throwing place... ask to help work on the shed or stack firewood or something... just some easy connection before you try and crack the nut goes a long way. Share what you're seeing, not your psychological assessment. "You've been really quiet lately" or, "you haven't come to the last few game nights"... as opposed to "you seem like you're really depressed". Diagnosis is a great way to shut people down. But yeah, I think having a few tangible do's and don'ts to suggest can be super helpful. I know I've leaned heavy on those kind of things I've been given from therapists.

@Jeff Van Dam yeah... SHAME... such a fucker. I will never forget the epiphany I had a handful of years ago around that... I was about 3 sessions into working with my first therapist. Got into my truck after my session and started making the 35 minute drive home. I'd just recently started listening to a couple different podcasts focused on men's mental health... picked a random one and threw it on. Only a few minutes in and the host asks the guest, a counsellor, to give a bit of an intro of how he came into this work. He backed it up to his childhood, and I immediately started connecting with what he was saying, "oh wow... this is familiar". And then it just kept going... the parallels were wild. I could feel emotions starting to bubble up, you know what it's like when someone really SEES you?!?! Or you have that kind of "I'm not alone" moment. Then he starts talking about his healing journey and this huge discovery about what had been holding him back for most of his life.... why he would wallflower... why he would perform... why he just never felt okay letting his authentic self out.... SHAME. Well, fuck. The tears just started flowing. To the point that I had to pull over. I sat on the side of the road, just absolutely weeping. In a way that I'd never cried before. The feeling behind the tears was so different. It wasn't sad. It wasn't angry. It wasn't despair. The opposite. It was relief. Hope. Like I'd been stuck in a dark room behind a locked door, and somebody had just came and opened it. Even just typing this right now... 5 or 6 years later... I can tap into that feeling so quickly. Sometimes that evolves into some anger and frustration towards myself... "why would I do this to myself?", and I've come to recognize that the bits about myself that I have a harder time loving is to do with that. But like Johnny Castle says... NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER! 😝😝😝 I keep that one handy to snap myself out of those moments. Makes me laugh a bit, but also just reminds me the power in offering ourselves a bit of grace.

Time to dig in!!!

This is one of the things that triggered me to come join here actually. I remember seeing you talk about this on insta when you first found out. Then I was chatting with one of the people that was in the documentary we recently did. His talking about his struggles and emotions etc around his work has lead him to find a couple other men that are eager and wanting to be engaged in all of this as much as he is. The 3 of them were having a conversation and realized that in their combined 75 years in the construction world, they know a total of 33 men personally that have ended their own lives. Absolutely brutal. This onus is not on the men that are hurting and then men that are struggling, and finding themselves at the edge. This is on everyone. Men don't speak up because we're taught not to. By everyone (okay, by MOST). Often before we can even really speak. It's what you're doing in this post Jeff, and that's beautiful... but for anyone reading it going "well, that's not meant for me... I'm not there.", the call is to reach out to the people you know. START these conversations. Don't just say "hey, I'm here if you need me."... if experienced this first hand a few times in the last handful of years, that if you START the conversations, if you lead by opening up before anyone else is, you're telling all those men that you're safe. That they can talk to you and not be put down, shunned... or let's be honest what the real wound is here... SHAME. I've been that guy. I've put myself out there in circles that this conversation isn't normal and it comes back. Not everyone... but in a group of 10, I can pretty much guarantee that one or two of them are gonna come to you on their own at some point and say "heyyyy, that thing you were talking about, fuck that really landed for me, I felt that." and launch in to what's going on for them, or ask to go grab a coffee at some point. Being THAT GUY makes a difference. And that's where I disagree with Jeff a bit... this IS about looking strong. About being strong. Talking about emotions. Showing emotions. FEELING emotions. That takes strength. Bury shit is easy. Anyone can do that. Opening up, being vulnerable... going against everything you've been told and shown your entire life about what masculine is... THAT IS STRONG!

@Jeff Van Dam Thanks for creating this. It's been interesting to watch you sharing and posting about it for the last handful of years, and now seeing you finding your place in it all. It's really hard to not want to get all evangelical (lower case E - not calling out any religion) about it, once you've seen and felt and witnessed your own changes. I just want everyone to go to therapy... heal that damaged kid in there... and grow their emotional intelligence.

@Kevin Hatch WAIT.... just re-read my post... I'm just on the verge of cracking 52. As in.... my fifty-second birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Currently 51. Punctuation matters! 😝😝😝

@Kevin Hatch Even funnier... I explained it to my wife afterwards and she was like "uh, that's not an expression that people use". I was like, "sure it is"... and then I googled it and... well... it's not. Soooo yeah, aaanyway. Funny indeed!!!