Eight days to go, and it’s feeling really real right now. The fact that I’m getting off to Bali in just over a week is scary as fuck, but I woke up this morning in a much better place. AND THAT FELT LIKE A SHIFT I slept well last night, and I wasn’t going to allow the anxiety to start to take a hold and take over everything, so it was a fresh mindset today, and that felt really good. Waking up and just cracking on. I got an email back from the accommodation that I’m staying at when I first get to Bali, confirming that it’s all a go, that everything’s okay, and I don’t need to worry about anything there, so that’s all sorted. THAT HELPED ME FEEL MORE PREPARED I’ll be doing my visa on Friday. I’m not gonna lie, I hate paperwork, I absolutely hate it, just in case I do it wrong, because I know if I do it wrong then obviously that’s going to cause a whole heap of problems, so I need a clear head to be able to do that. I’ve also been sorting out with my adult kids a weekend in April for us to go and scatter my dad’s ashes, before me and Lil head off to Bali for a permanent move. THIS BIT FEELS IMPORTANT This feels like another way of letting go of the stuff that’s been there for us and held onto us for so long. We decided on going to a place that I went to a lot as a kid called Wells- Next-To Sea. I took my kids there camping when they were younger, and Lil’s been there a few times as well. It’s just a beautiful place, and my dad loved it there, so it feels really nice that we’ve put the wheels in motion for that. We’ve booked accommodation so we can all be together under one roof, which is going to be really chaotic, but also really fun at the same time, so I’m actually looking forward to that. ANOTHER THING TICKED OFF THE LIST I focused quite a bit on work today, which was nice, because I actually felt like I could concentrate on the things I wanted to do. I attended a couple of sessions I wanted to attend, and I absolutely loved both of them, which really helped keep my mind off the overwhelm and the typical ADHD and dyslexia mix of chaos in my head.

Nine days to go. So I didn’t sleep very well last night, I’d tossed and turned for ages and then at about 1am this morning I ended up having quite a severe panic attack, feeling sick, dizzy, unable to breathe, like there was a weight on my chest constantly, which meant not falling back to sleep until gone 3 o’clock in the morning. AND IT TOOK A WHILE TO COME BACK DOWN. It took me quite a while to calm down and get myself back into a little bit of calm to be able to go to sleep, so I ended up getting up, going for a drink, and then going into the office and sitting in front of my computer and writing out everything that was going through my head. Because I literally had so many thoughts and feelings happening all at once that it just completely threw me off. THIS IS WHAT IT FELT LIKE. The ADHD, autism, dyslexia and anxiety all mixed into one and played a complete non-funny prank on me last night. I was making lists in my head and every time I made a list something else popped in, and then the list was getting all muddled, so I needed a way to just get it all out and clear what was actually going on. Then all the feelings of worry about the travel, about leaving Lil, just all came to a head. AND THEN IT SNOWBALLED. That then had a knock-on effect because I slept through my alarm and didn’t wake up until 9:45, and I had a meeting with my granddaughter’s nursery at 9:30, which I missed. So I was really annoyed with myself, beating myself up basically, because I felt awful for missing something I said I would do to advocate for my daughter and my granddaughter. To be honest, the day started off really crappy. I started off dysregulated, tired, and already in a bit of a muddle in my own thoughts, and that spilled out throughout the morning and ended up with me losing my shit with Lily. AND THAT WAS HARD. It wasn’t anything in particular that she’d done, I was just so dysregulated that everything was grinding my gears, and that meant every sound, every movement, everything just made me more and more dysregulated.

And today didn’t really go to plan. See, thing is with my birthday… I had the thoughts that I was going to do quite a bit of work and just plod along, and that was all good. AND THEN LIFE DID ITS THING. I had phone calls with my two oldests wishing me a happy birthday, and I stepped away for a little bit. My mind was blown and I needed to just switch off. Later I messaged one of the guys that was recommended to collect me from the airport and made the arrangements for that to happen, which was one thing ticked off my to do list which actually felt really good. THAT FELT LIKE PROGRESS Something was ticked off the list, which is progressively getting more urgent to get things done, and the nerves have started to kind of kick in a little bit more today. I spoke to my second daughter about it, she pointed out that considering the challenges that I face with my multiple neurodiversities and anxiety, she is not surprised that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, afterall each one brings it’s own challenges but all together it’s the trump card, for all things stress-related. BUT I’M TRYING NOT TO STRESS. Because I want to enjoy this. I want to enjoy the experience of the lead-up and the experience of doing a solo trip for the first time ever. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. I had a chat with my friend this morning, who absolutely loved one of my presents, which was amazing, and my friend said to me that she has seen some little cute crochet things that she likes. That kind of gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment, that I could probably take some yarn and my crochet needles, and while I’m waiting for my flight or on my flight or my transfer, whatever, I could just take my mind off things by doing a little bit of crocheting. Nothing big. Nothing major. Just little things that would make a big difference and be really meaningful to people. AND THIS IS WHY THAT MATTERS Because that will help to kind of calm my mind when things are a bit chaotic. Because let’s face it, doing something alone for the first time comes with so many different emotions and thoughts, and they can really start to take over if you don’t acknowledge them and allow them to actually be processed fully.

As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to go to a tropical place. Bali first came onto my radar probably about 15–20 years ago and for me it was like the dream place to go to, but I’d never thought that it would be something that would come to reality, that I would ever be able to go. FOR ME, THIS ALWAYS FELT OUT OF REACH 👀 For me going to Bali has always been one of them out-of-reach dreams, but that’s no longer the case. That dream has become reality after a good few years of complete shit that’s happened, and taking the time to really decide on what matters for me in life and what I really want out of my life, I decided that fuck it. Why not aim for this dream? This big dream. Why not make going to Bali a reality? AND THERE’S MORE TO THIS STORY. I had a car accident six years ago that was quite a horrific one, but that’s a story for another day, and as a result of that I had quite a severe shoulder injury that saw me being given a payout that actually opened my eyes to so many possibilities. My awesome friend Mimi lives in Bali, and seeing her pictures and videos every day just made that dream cement even deeper into my brain. Like… I want this. I really want this. I want to be there. Every time we went on holiday, every time we went somewhere, it just felt harder to come home. THEN THIS HAPPENED 😁 Mimi is doing a retreat in Bali, and when she first posted about it I was very much like, I would love to do that. I’ve always wanted to go on a retreat and do something that’s just solely for me, but I never really thought that was a possibility. Being a single parent, not having a dad in the picture to be able to pick up the slack when I want time out, it just kind of left me with no options really. My adult kids are really helpful and they support where they can, but the girls have got their own kids now and their own lives, it’s hectic, it’s busy, and my son is the same. AND THEN THE MONEY CAME THROUGH 💸 And when I had that money come through, I just knew that this was something I could do for myself.