This is a longer reflection. You can read, listen, or simply take what resonates. The Goo Goo Dolls — Acoustic #3 There are certain songs that don’t just become favorites—they become companions. For me, that song is “Acoustic #3” from Dizzy Up the Girl by the Goo Goo Dolls. The album came out shortly after my initial disclosure of CSA. Looking back, I wasn’t just listening to music—I was trying to find language for something I didn’t yet have words for. One of the deepest impacts of childhood trauma wasn’t only what happened to me—it was learning to question my own reality. I grew up in a home where truth and fiction were blurred. I was told things that weren’t true and believed them because I trusted the adults around me. After disclosure, I was expected to continue relating to the people who had harmed me as though nothing had changed. My body knew one reality while I was being asked to live another. For a child, that’s impossible to reconcile. When your reality is questioned often enough, you begin to question yourself. “Acoustic #3” gave me something different—not answers, but a place where the questions could exist without needing to be solved. As an autistic woman with ADHD, I experience the world through pattern, repetition, and rhythm. The simplicity of the song, the looping guitar, the quiet unresolved feeling—it gave my nervous system something steady to rest against. I didn’t understand that then. I only knew I needed to press repeat. Over and over. Like something in me was trying to stay close to a feeling I couldn’t yet name. When I was overwhelmed, I would float in an inner tube and spin in circles—trying to match my outside with what my inside felt like. And in hindsight, the music did something similar. The looping guitar didn’t rush me out of it. It stayed with me inside it. It held the circle. Not to trap me—but to soften it. I didn’t always know why it mattered so much. Later, during autistic burnout—when I was slowly moving out of survival mode—I found my way back to it.

Part two of Self Forgiveness, since we did not get through the presentation last time due to my wifi issues. Unfortunately, I am still in the same place with bad wifi, however, Sarah has agreed to help as backup to share the presentation so that we can get through it. The presentation is under 'classroom.'

I recently re-read a few chapters in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD, and this book felt like one of those things that found me at the right time. I came across it while I was visiting a holistic herb shop during a trip to Florida a few years back. I wasn’t necessarily looking for this exact book in that moment, but something about it caught my attention — and I’m really grateful I followed that little nudge. This book helped me better understand trauma, PTSD, and the deeper layers of complex/developmental trauma — not just as something that lives in our thoughts, but as something that can be stored and carried within our bodies. One of the biggest things I took away was learning the importance of getting to know our internal landscape — becoming aware of what our bodies are communicating, noticing our patterns and responses, and understanding that healing is possible when we create new pathways instead of staying stuck in old survival responses. The neuroscience around the fear-driven mind, painful memories, and how our brains and bodies adapt to trauma was fascinating. It gave me a deeper understanding of why awareness, safety, connection, and compassion are such important parts of healing. This book helped me see myself with more compassion. It reminded me that healing isn’t about judging the ways we survived — it’s about practicing radical acceptance, extending self forgiveness, and learning to move forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves. I will say this book can be heavy and includes some graphic examples of people’s experiences, so I think it’s something to approach with care and at the right time in your own journey. But for me, it was a powerful resource that helped me connect the dots, understand myself differently, and continue moving forward with more compassion. “Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then. It’s the current imprint of that pain on the body, brain, and nervous system.” This book reminded me that healing is not about erasing what happened — it’s about learning how to live differently with new awareness, understanding, and compassion for ourselves.

In somewhat of a continuation from last week's topic, this week, we’ll talk about what anxiety can teach us, how to get a better handle on it, understanding our triggers and habits, and building the life we want one small “snail step” at a time. I will share some insights from a book I am currently reading, "Beyond Anxiety" by Martha Beck. I highly recommend checking out more work by Martha Beck. You can follow her on socials; she has podcasts (Bewildered and The Gathering Room), as well as many other books. She's a survivor who lives happily and authentically today and is a role model to me! Our meeting links can be found under the calendar.

After having a terrible weekend and days of crying. I have gotten myself back together a little bit. I have been having issues with my partner. Every month there is a new crisis and a new emergency. I always helped and done things but I reached my end. They weren’t able to pay for their light bill so their electricity got turned off last weekend. May 29th was my birthday. I normally treat my birthday as a regular day. I’ve had years of bday disappointments and upsets. So I stopped planning things for it. Last year my friend group exploded. This year my partner didn’t even bother to plan anything for me. They are so consumed in their next crisis they forgot. And it been like that for a few months now. They are so distracted with all the stuff going on in their life that I had taken a backseat. I have tried to help, try to organize, and try to do what I can but a new problem is always on the horizon. They don’t make the best decisions. I learn this is just a pattern of behavior they have been doing for years. I realized I don’t have a future with them which hurts. But also I’m losing my sanity. My codependency issues are in full swing. I recently came back down to earth after my bday and being so hurt. So I’m slowly pulling back. I have been doing little things to break our codependency bond. But this season is pulling back even more. I have to refocus on me and take care of me. Since they don’t have the ability to. I have to stop relying on others to take care of me especially people who can barely take care of themselves. This hurts having to do this again. This one of my deepest codependency relationship pattern. Dating people who are unstable emotionally, mentally, physically, and have issues with choosing themselves. I can’t care about their problems more than they do. And I can’t love them out of the instability they have. This truly sucks because they are an amazing person.