In the last few weeks and months, I have been feeling really disconnected from the people in my life (especially when it comes to friendships). In some friendships, I realised that I might be putting in more effort than they are. I have decided to pull back and allow them to reach out, but I also know that they might not ever reach out. This is quite sad because I have had a few occasions where friendships have come to an end without any real reason. Situations like this can trigger a sense of abandonment and make me feel like I am doing something wrong (which is something that I know I need to work through) Recently I have had a disagreement with another friend who I have been friends with for 10 years. Although the disagreement was not big, it made me feel like she no longer understands me and I feel like I can't be myself around her. I notice myself constantly filtering thoughts so that she doesn't get triggered or upset. I also notice that I am the friend that she offloads to. It seems like her other friendships are filled with fun, excitement, planning holidays and making memories, whereas, with me it seems like we always talk about what is going wrong in her life. Although I believe part of a friendship should be about helping each other through hard times, I would love to also be apart of the happy/fun moments too. Recently I have been doing a lot of nervous system work to find balance through somatic practices. I am learning so much and I feel like I am becoming a new person. I know this would be a huge reason why I feel so disconnected from my current friendships. I am currently 26 and thought that I would have my core group of friends now. Although I have family that I am close to and I am very grateful for them I feel like I have not met my tribe. I know that everyone says that your Saturn Return starts at 27, It is an age that I have been warned about so many times and I would really like to go through this phase of life with as much ease as possible.

I tried to do the breathwork yesterday and I noticed that I struggled to sit with myself. Emotions felt slightly heavy (I was doing some other trauma work beforehand), so I then tried the 20 minute one again today and I felt the resistance again even though it was such a short space of time. It really makes me reflect on where that is coming from and why my nervous does not feel safe to feel safe. Albeit I pushed through and realised that what I am pushing away, is what I need to call in.

💙what is your protective shield? what is it protecting you from? My protective shield was being really agreeable and turning into a chameleon. From doing some inner child work, I realised tha I would get in trouble for expressing myself, the safest thing for me to do was to express the emotions that were expected of me. So I learnt how to do this in any given situation. It would have protected me from judgement and conflict. 💙who would you be without the shield and if you trusted? Without the shield I would be my authentic self. I would be more confident in who I was and not feel the need to change because of outside circumstances or expectations. It is like what we discussed yesterday, when we spoke about the mirror. 💙how can you open up for more love and authenticity to flow through? Slow down. In moments where I realise that I am not being myself or my nervous system feels unsafe, I can slow down before I respond or act to make sure that I am always in alignment or adjust myself if I am not. I can also practice being with the emotions when they come up and expressing my opinion more even in spaces where it feels uncomfortable at first. 💙 how can you move from contraction to openness? I loved the ho'oponopono eye gazing technique, I have been doing this for the last 3 days. This has been a way to confront myself and to really see who I am. I intend to keep practicing this every morning and simply sitting with myself. This will help me to become more open.

I am ready to release the story that it is unsafe for me to be myself. I no longer need to lose myself in others to be loved. When I am my authentic self, the right people will come along. I am also ready to release the story that emotionally unavailable men represent love. I will now stop attracting men who are unavailable! 🙅🏿‍♀️

What comes up for me is … -Disregard the idea that “I allowed it” as it isn’t accurate . The truth is . When someone wants to hurt us they will find a way and it has nothing to do will welcoming it. This is not A trauma informed approach and it’s outdated . -not my fault , out of my control , not deserving , not complicit . -my lane of the street is clean, and my intentions have been pure and without toxic ego -I take responsibility for not standing up for myself better and for not showing up for myself better , but I will no longer take accountability for my abusers actions in any type of way . At all. Ever. - I accept that I tried to Survive the best I could with the tools and information that I had , and I did try to adjust accordingly and create boundaries . -I am no longer accepting the perspective of “I allowed it “ I am deserving of love and compassion regardless of who else thinks so .