Wild cards . ✨

@Jake Burhans I need an unroutine feeling schedule 😆 that I can set . No biggie . I just did a wild thing and canceled all my appointments that I had set because I feel like going in a different direction than the way that I saw myself going this year. And I feel like for me, part of my issue is that I’m trying to force myself to do something that may or may not be in alignment with me. Use the analogy to a child, potty training, and if you try to make the child potty train before the child is ready. It can be like a two year battle over the toilet or it can be a no rush and no pressure situation until the child is ready. Sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to do something that I’m not doing because there is a good reason that I’m not doing it. For example, I was hesitating on doing XYZ and I scheduled my time in and I was having executive dysfunction and I could not make myself do XYZ.. But then I realize that that is my soul telling me that what I’m trying to do is not for me. So then I get to search my soul for direction and for the root cause of why I’m struggling with focus and production. My personal issue is that I am not sure what I want to do. I feel like I should be doing things that I’m good at, but I’m decent at a lot of things because I’ve never had a niche so then my obstacle becomes what to do with all that I know when I’ve always been taught not to put all my eggs in one basket And I don’t even have a favorite basket to put them in right now. I realize that I set a schedule for myself because it gave me a sense of security and safety that I had a plan and that I was taking the follow through steps and I wasn’t just talk and I was doing the action and blah blah blah. But I was doing it to prove to myself that I’m following through and faking it till I make it if you will. So then in the last couple days, I’ve felt like I was having trouble focusing on things that I was never supposed to be doing. And all of this time I have spent wondering what to do. I have actually been refining my own direction.

@Lee Simmons I need a paying job . For the sake of getting a break from myself and definite income . But a break from myself . I’m a hard boss . But also , I need good management because I have tried a couple temporary jobs and a lot of Conflict because I don’t know how to keep my head down and my mouth shut . I don’t let people talk to me any kind of way that feels like an assumption that they think they are better than me or entitled to speak to me as they have higher authority than I do . Ya know . Talk to people like people . Not like one of the people is famous blah blah , Well I don’t tolerate it it when people assume I am at a lower scale of life or authority then them. And they talk down to me . Holding authority isn’t about talking down to people and acting better than them . So , I don’t last long, usually until I’m seen as a problem . I don’t do mean girl or click politics and I don’t care who is who of the who’s of who’s . We all know people in her places than people know . So , I walk away as soon as it feels like too much resistence for me to have a regulated nervous system in a particular environment , So . The right fit. Quality over quantity . And being recruited . I just want to be recruited at this point so I don’t have to wonder what space is right for me , rather , what I’m right for . I want to pull all the way back since I’ve been so overextended for so long that it’s manifesting in my health . Alignment … and no chase and no force … And I’m just … knowing that each day that I stay regulated , I feel better about something working out. I was thinking about going to Sedona since I had a reset the last time I went . And strangely enough , my schedule opened up , but I’m so far extended in feels and conventions that I need to attend the rest of the year that I need a grant or a sponsor before I can do any more commitments . I spent the day , applying for partnerships and researching grants . I just have a lot to do in a week already before I travel for medical care .

I have realized that I live most of my life and my dad to day 90% out of my comfort zone . We all hear how dangerous is it and blah blah … but … I feel like I’ve been working 20 hours a day every day for the last 20 years . Doing all the things that need to be done no matter what , and I tell you … It causes feelings of burnout . Too much discipline is a sinking ship too , for me … I have realized that the comfort zone isn’t bad for me , but a place where I get to sit in who I actually am regardless of anything else . I realize that in my self acceptance … that I need to respect and love myself enough to give it to me , especially when I’m doing things that require an energetic reset after and some down time . I have been doing coaching and small business stuff for 7 years now and I just randomly decided to get a real estate license so I don’t have to do all the thing I’ve been doing . As boring and difficult to remember all the things as the realestate is , it gave me a break from all the things that are always on my to do list . Recognizing that I’m Not okay , and trying not to work to avoid sitting with it , is toxic to me . It’s okay not to be okay , but it’s not okay to not be okay with not being okay , because we all need some moments to readjust and serve ourselves authentically . I am excited about not having to market as much and have a plan of action ever second of my life . To really listen to whatever we need from ourselves is the highest act of self love . So today … I need … more recovery and I’m okay that I need another recovery day .

@Lee Simmons okayyyy! 😆😆😆😆

All of it ✨