I’ve just had an emotionally loaded conversation with my wife about putting the house up for sale. I dont want to but I think she is struggling financially so she is pushing. I have told her ideally we need to wait 2 years as the mortgage offer ends then and I’ll be in a more financially stable position to get my own place. I asked her to get some legal advice and see what she will be able to afford herself before we rushed anything as right now we have a nice home, the 3 kids are stable and happy - we (were) getting on fine. But she started throwing all the comments in that it’s me being controlling or that I’m hoping that if I wait a bit longer she will change her mind and come back to me. I said it’s not that it’s more that it’s a massive thing we are discussing and where the children end up living means a lot to me so I don’t want to rush into anything. I asked her what she would do - and then she said I was being patronising and making out she can’t survive on her own. Then it turned into her being nasty and wanting me to move out on my own and how she would speak to somebody to see what she is entitled to financially off me and then other nasty comments about my family. So we ended the conversation and I made excuse that I needed to nip out to the shops. But really I needed to go and have minute to think about what had been said. Turned out to be the best thing as when I came back she had changed her tune! - talking to me about her friends and even implied she was sorry (she didn’t say it directly) and she didn’t want to hurt me she just not liking living like this. But my question is, how can I tell her I don’t want to sell the house in a way that it doesn’t sound like she is trapped or that I’m controlling? I’m hoping this is her just letting off steam and bit of a blip as before this, I was just working on trying to be a friend to her first before trying to rebuild our relationship. Not in pushy way but by being relaxed around each other and not causing tension. Now I’m thinking it’s not been working.

I just had a lovely half hour chat with polly on the phone. She rang up to ask about where the girls Nintendo was but then we chatted about the girls and their funny personalities for 20 mins. There was a lot of laughter and agreeing, and even insights into how they learn off us. I used this an an opportunity to talk about my poor emotional regulation and how that I am working on this so that I can show our girls what it looks like, as they learn from copying us. I lightheartedly mentioned that with my emotional immaturity and her ADHD, neither of us have been demonstrating showing what regulation looks like. I also said I think Ruby has ADHD, and that we don’t need to beat ourselves up for how hard it is managing her. We aren’t bad parents, we just need to educate more and its something im looking into. She agreed, and reaffirmed we aren’t bad parents. She said she thought Ruby has become better of late due to there not being tension in the house since I moved out. I replied yes I think she has, as I am calmer, you are calmer, and we are calmer around each other and ruby feeds off this. I was worried she was stating this from a point of view of ‘the end of the relationship and separation was right and needed for co-parenting to work’, but I obviously can see a way these two new calmer people could live together again, maybe she cant and it validates her actions, I don’t know. She led onto the Gathering (the big camping trip / festival we do with close friends) and said she had been talking to Ruby and mentioned she wont be coming this year and might have to work (really she isn’t coming because of the split) and Ruby would apparently just not accept it. She guilted Polly that she had to come. So she asked me, if she worked thurs and fri, could she come to The Gathering on Sat and Sun. I said of course, it will be lovely for the girls to have you there. She suggested sleeping in a tent next to us and I said yes, and that I would respect the boundaries etc. But the thought of us all being together as a family surrounded by friends is a lovely thought, even if we aren’t ‘together’ together.

Currently at my wife's as was with the dog and my son until he went to his aunties at 4 he is going to cinema with her and staying ar hers 2night! My wife will be finishing work in ten mins I have made her dinner why do i feel so nervous Northing is gonna happen tonight just feels weird that my son is out so we could actually talk or just hang out !

Update from the last post we are going to sell your house now we got a estate agent Monday to take pictures of the house to put out for sale she’s adamant she doesn’t wanna fight for this so I’m giving up now . She’s got a viewing to look at an house on Monday she wants to proceed with this just found out on social media as well that she’s put single and delete the real pictures of us to

A nice metaphor I felt, courtesy of plumbing 6 months of relationship woes into a ChatGPT thread. Surprisingly accurate and almost poetic for AI! Obviously some of the details are aimed at my situation, but thought I’d share as easily swapped out for your circumstances, and the general sentiment is bang on I thought! “Imagine your marriage as a garden that has become overgrown. For a long time, your instinct has been to stand on her side of the fence, trying to pull weeds out of her flowerbed: - her HRT, - her memories, - her resentment, - her fears. But you can’t reach it. The only garden you can tend is your own. Every day you remove another weed and sow another seed: - better listening, - emotional regulation, - sobriety, - fatherhood, - accountability, - boundaries, - purpose. You can’t make her tend hers. But if, months from now, she looks over the fence, what she sees will be very different from what she saw when she decided to leave. Whether she ever decides to walk through the gate is something neither of us can know. But if that day ever comes, it won’t be because you spent those months trying to cultivate her garden. It will be because you quietly, consistently transformed your own. And regardless of the outcome, that work will never have been wasted.