After really thinking me and jodi would get back together things have definitely took a downward turn! Its started by Wednesday night work going mad at me telling me I need to get the job done quicker They were bang out of order to me I always try my best! The next day I was at jodis and was supposed to stay there until I left for work I said something which upset her and she told me to leave! I went but forget my phone and wallet so as I went back in she was walking up the stairs in her underwear Sorry she said I didnt know you would be coming back in and because I was angry I said its ok you always do it anyway Meaning the times she has been in the kitchen and told me to advert my eyes! I have quit porn and webcams so even her saying that has a effect on me so I had do my best to explan this before but as I snapped she said from now on you are here for jack and him only i don't want and relationship with you at all! I walked out the door phoned in sick for my shift and went on a walk with the intention of ending my life! She messaged asking if I was safe and when I didn't confirme I was or not she called the police and they was looking for me! The end result i can't now pick up or take my son to school or even see him for the time being until safe guarding checks have taken place But I did go to his show at school yesterday of him playing drums I gave him a cuddle at the end and told him how proud I was and then as I left the school I walked out crying and there was my wife standing right by the door I didn't make eye contact with her but I see her face drop seeing me so upset I carried on walking really hopeing she might try to comfort me or send someone else to but I know she did message my sister and best friend to say I was in a bad way! Just had my 1st bit of food since Wednesday and took a mental health medication for the 1st time ever in my life Feel so alone and so lost but I have now fully accepted there is no future for me and jodi

Now this isn’t a big one -and I’m smiling to myself while I’m writing this… but my wife has started walking round the house with no pants on! 😂 She did it a few times last week around bedtime after the kids had gone to bed - and I thought ok maybe it’s warmer lately or she just forgot or something. And then today she did it before the kids went to bed. She came into the kitchen while I was talking to the kids to make a cup of tea and she joined in the conversation- when I turned round she was just in t-shirt and knickers! Now, I did say to her lightly - can you put some pants on - and she just refused and said she is going to bed in a minute anyway. Now the reason I’m putting it on here - is to run by you my thought process behind this (no pun intended) Now I don’t think she is doing this to seduce me. (Although she knows I’ve always said she has an amazing bum!) i genuinely think she isn’t even thinking about it at all. - it probably is just her being lazy after work or feeling a bit warm. But, (again no pun intended) my goal over the last week or so is for calm and peace in the house. I want to appeal to her nervous system - if that makes sense - so that she feels safe around me again - without her even noticing it. As in the months before this - she has not wanted to be around me, she would ask me to leave the room if she wanted to get changed and things like that. So I’m wondering if going about things this way is a healthy way? Working on being friends again, her feeling comfortable around me without pressure? And obviously - I know not wearing pants is a bit of a ridiculous sign to use for her nervous system relaxing around me! - I will look out for other examples too! - who knows what next will happen!! 😂 We have been invited as a family to a bbq at the end of the month so I’ve sent her a message about it and left it with her - said that there is no pressure either way if she wants to come with us or not. - but I’ve left the invite with her and we will see what she thinks about it. (I’ll tell her is strictly a pants on event!)

So after chilling at hers last night while my son was at her sisters her reading a book me watching the France game this morning I heard her awake so left the sofa to take the dog out for a toilet! I brought her up a coffee then her new her mattress come Thats the reason I stayed because she needed to go pick up our son then bring him back and go to work! Manged to drag the old mattress downstairs on my own so it was ready for the men Then when the new one was on her bed she was checking it out in her room She said to me test it encouraging me to lay down on it! I said its your bed not mine I lay down on it with her and thought fuck it and kissed her on the cheek She goes that was very close to my lips smiling at me I said wasn't kissing your lips I am a good boy I am changed man but you look a little disappointed she smiled and went red I said I can get naughty with you anytime you know I love you She smiled and laughed and goes anyway time to go and collect jack and kissed me herself on my cheek Really feeling its only a matter of time now fingers crossed

Currently at my wife's as was with the dog and my son until he went to his aunties at 4 he is going to cinema with her and staying ar hers 2night! My wife will be finishing work in ten mins I have made her dinner why do i feel so nervous Northing is gonna happen tonight just feels weird that my son is out so we could actually talk or just hang out !

So yesterday we had a talk at dinner. We started looking at why we behave the way we do and talking about how our childhoods have moulded us. I started feeling a bit more of a connection and ended up pushing too hard and made it all about myself. It didn't end well. I went to bed really analysing myself and have realised that my depression is much deeper than I had originally thought. I'm not the man I used to be. I've become grumpy, angry and am blaming everyone but myself. And then I realised how much she had been doing over the last few years to try and pull me out of it. I felt so guilty. I spoke to her about it this morning. As honestly as I could. We both broke down crying, she held my hand (first sign off any form of affection in months). She's still planning on leaving and I understand why. I've got a lot of work to do, starting with a GP appointment today (and I think I'm going to start surfing). I'm emotionally drained, petrified of what's around the corner but feel like I'm starting to see the real issues now.