so this morning I tried to do the creative thing in the morning before the house woke up. It was a no-go. I have been in a funky headspace all weekend. I came downstairs and turned on my lamp, turned on music, and just sat for a minute trying to stir up some feeling or motivation, and it just wouldn't come. I already have a ritual of turning on music and TV in the background, in a special area to sit in, away from my computers that I set up last week, so I should be good to go, but nothing. Maybe this evening after work I'll be better. Just a lot on my heart this weekend. i cried for the first time in like 7 or 8 years. I literally started therapy because I was wondering how normal it is not to cry. This creative process, I believe, is opening me up to parts of myself that went numb.

I feel like I'm the most creative early in the morning before the house wakes up. I imagine me clear headed and well-rested with a cup of coffee and a paintbrush. I wake up and hit the ground running, but often I want to ease into the day, and I think this is my best time based on times I have given over to taking a minute in the morning before. It sets my mental pace for the day whenever I have done something creative first.

I think I will set a goal to paint first thing in the morning, maybe 2 times this week, and journal 2 times this week before bed. Journaling comes to me better at the end of the day. I think this will help me have a more positive feeling this week. Last week, I did everything and plugged along, but I didn't necessarily feel as positive about doing things as usual. And another thing is to maybe set my day by doing this challenge in the morning a couple of days before I start my painting. This challenge has really been helpful in more ways than just boosting my creativity.

So I'm finding that the best time for me to create isn't an actual time on the clock it's a time in my head. When I get to a place where I feel frazzled with work and my computer and start feeling defeated or overwhelmed, that's time I find I need to put everything up and pull out my painting and put on a playlist from my Apple music on Alexa and just vibe get a glass of wine or a warm cup of chai and create. Then probably just go to bed and let my brain relax and reset and go at it again the next day.

What did I learn about myself through this process this week? What seems more possible than it did before this exercise? Well I reconnected with how resilient I am. I remembered parts of me I thought were gone. But no they were always there I just didn’t need them at the time. It was nice bringing it to the surface and reconnecting with my crown. What seems more possible? Dreaming and accomplishing gorals. I’m not too old to have a life and to have aspirations. Realizing I’m still alive and still have “it” is life affirming and makes the ideas floating in my head feel more attainable.