Your email definitely has potential, it just needs to be structured well. The English was good and there weren't any chunks of texts. So that is good. I left some comments anyway
Can anyone please review my first welcome email https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dDW2lH3Cso-Q36H1Beab3VGdFECML1Itk-x8XA7cI6U/edit?usp=drivesdk I would like to here your honest feedback and corrections