Have you ever had a day where everything piles up? Your physical health feels off. Your mind won’t slow down. And suddenly, you’re questioning every choice that led you to this point. Now imagine not just one of those days… but several in a row. Weeks. Months. Maybe even years. When people experience suicidal thoughts, intentions, or plans, this is often how their days feel— physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted. It’s not just one thing. It’s the accumulation. Pain from the past. Pressure in the present. Fear of the future. All stacking on top of each other until it becomes overwhelming— until suffering turns into desperation. I often try to bridge compassion and understanding when I think about my sister. I can only see things from my perspective— not from hers. And yet, the questions come: How many times do we feel angry because their choice impacted our lives? How many times do we wonder if they cared about us when they decided to leave? Was this a conscious decision? Or a moment of unbearable pain? And ultimately… why? The question “why?” is one of the most painful questions we can carry. Because there is no complete answer. Some loved ones leave letters. Some leave messages in their art. Some leave traces of themselves behind. And some… leave us only with questions. The silence of that unanswered “why” can feel unbearable. On my hardest days, I find myself understanding more of what they may have felt. Not agreeing. Not choosing it for myself. But understanding. Because even a few days of feeling that low can be hard to carry— I can’t imagine what it’s like to live there for weeks, months, or years. And while I would not make that choice— because I know the pain it leaves behind— I can still hold compassion. I can still wonder. And maybe, in that space between love and grief, I find myself slowly accepting… that I may never fully understand why.

Thank you for being on this journey of healing together, you are no longer alone with grief. Please introduce yourself and let me know what you would like me to write more about, talk more about, research more about. This space is for you and I to work together, side by side. I would love to hear from you. With endless love, Vane 💜

Have you ever felt like you are in a loop when it comes to suicide loss ? Does this loop revolve over somehow finding the solution to the suicide loss? I wish I had a time machine. In the beginning of my grief, I would replay everything over and over again—imagining a million different ways I could have changed the outcome of my sister’s suicide. In my mind, I created new scenarios… ones where I said the “right” thing, did the “right” thing, and somehow—almost magically—she survived. This is what we call magical thinking. When the mind creates illogical or impossible solutions in an attempt to resolve a pain that feels unbearable. At times, I felt almost delusional. But within that experience, I came to understand something very important: It wasn’t just my mind trying to escape the pain. It was my love. A love so deep that it searched endlessly for a different ending. A part of me that wanted—so desperately— to find any possible way she could still be here. Even now, there are moments when those thoughts come back. Not because I don’t understand reality… but because, in a strange way, they bring a sense of comfort and control. And maybe that’s something we don’t talk about enough. Sometimes, what looks like “irrational thinking” is actually love… trying to find somewhere to go. When it comes to preventing death - it is irrational to think we can. Somehow my heart did not know this, but my mind did. Has this happened to you ? Send me a message with the scenarios you play in your mind to save your loved one.