There are many reasons people get divorced. Infidelity, incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, or the great modern equalizer: assembling IKEA furniture together. For Greg and Shelley Blunt, it was none of these. They divorced because one day, over a breakfast of burnt toast and existential dread, they simultaneously realized they couldn’t stand the way the other person chewed. But here’s the thing: divorces are expensive. Not just the paperwork, the lawyers, the splitting of everything down to who owns the cat's affection (answer: the neighbour). No, the real expense was housing. And, thanks to the local economy, property values had ascended to the kind of heights usually reserved for angels, orbital satellites, and the smug sense of self-worth possessed by wine sommeliers. So they stayed. In the same house. Together. Not emotionally. Not spiritually. Just... geographically. Like two tectonic plates locked in mutual loathing but legally forbidden from drifting apart. “It’s a bit cramped in the kitchen,” Shelley muttered one morning, watching Greg desecrate scrambled eggs with what she could only assume was the ghost of turmeric. Greg didn’t look up. “You’re in my half of the kitchen. The good half.” “The good half has the fridge.” “That’s because I bought it.” “With my credit.” “It’s my electricity powering it!” Thus began what scholars (or at least the man who lived in their shed and ran a conspiracy podcast) would later call The Great Kitchen Cold War. At first, it was simple division. A line of masking tape across the linoleum. Her toaster, his blender. Her spatula, his ladle. One kettle each. (Because no sane person shares a kettle with an ex.) But war, like soufflé, has a way of expanding. Arguments turned into insults. Insults turned into passive-aggressive post-it notes. Passive-aggressive post-it notes turned into very active-aggressive chili cook-offs. And then—somewhere between a particularly tense risotto standoff and a moment where Shelley deliberately sabotaged Greg’s lemon tart by switching out the sugar with salt—something happened.