I apologize about the randomness in the writings right now I’m seeing what I can do inside of a free trial so just grabbing and moving writings I can find.

Why can’t we kill addiction? We can kill the silence for the deaf and the darkness for the blind. We can kill about anything, except addiction. Addiction is like a parasite! The only way to kill it is to kill the host and even then it lives on in the next suffering soul. It lives at the core of every addict, it pulses through our veins and breeds poor choices faster than a rabbit watching bunny porn!! The best we can hope for is to harness the demon and find a way to keep it at bay! But, even then, there is no leash strong enough to hold this beast!! It can rear its ugly head 5 years, 10 years, 20 years after sobriety, the son of a bitch is still alive. Laying dormant in the shadows of our mind waiting for just the right time to come roaring back to life stronger than ever. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful beyond measure. You don’t have to feed it, it doesn’t care about a drink, it just lives off your insecurities that are there whether you’re sober or not! Addiction can be on life support in the back of our minds for a decade and still kill the addict in a single night!! It robs us of our accomplishments and strips us of our pride and our happiness!! We even know that every day it lives, we die a little more & still we find our fix, feed the monster within and subtract that day from the total number we’re allowed in this life! I often thought addiction was born in my poor choices. I’ve always tried to think back to my childhood to see if I can find that one decision, that one choice that sent me down this path of nightmares. But as I’m trying to write this book, I can’t help but notice my poor choices and need for chaos started long before drugs were even an option! When I was 5 years old I told my sister to go lie to my mom and tell her that my dad needed a lighter. I then proceeded to start a barn full of hay on fire because it gave me a rush. Anything that risked me getting in trouble I was a fan of. I was 7 years old when I was caught with my first pack of cigarettes!! What fkn 7 years old even wants to smoke? They gave me a buzz and made me feel cool so I was stealing them from my parents and hiding them under my dresser. This monster has been with me, my entire life, like i was born with it!! It’s deeper rooted than just a disease as you don’t catch addiction like a cold in December. It’s far more fundamental than a repeated poor choice as every addict would be sober if that were the case. Idk if it’s in our DNA but from the drivers seat of this addict, it sure seems like it. Sobriety feels so foreign we actually fear it. We cling to our addictions like a kid who can’t swim clings to a buoy because we’re scared to see how far we have fallen. We know the drugs and the alcohol lie and say everything is fine while everyone else sees the ground crumbling under us. Getting sober is like those house renovation shows but played in reverse! Instead of seeing the ugly and turning it into something beautiful. We’ve been insisting we’re fine and nothing is wrong for so long that when they unveil the truth, it’s shocking to see the monster behind the curtain that we have become. See addiction lives in lies, deceit and corruption to where sobriety lives in reality, truth and consequence. It’s a life changing endeavor when you come to terms with that and see how long you’ve been believing the lies. See how almost everything you know has been fed to you by an addiction that is hell bent on killing you. Active addiction is like the blind leading the dumb as we just follow along as it leads us further down until everything is ash and we’re surrounded in the flames of hell!! Even then we are more likely to bask in the warmth of the flames then to find a weapon to fight back. It’s like being taken off life support after 2 decades, then as you stand, never feeling weaker, being handed a knife and told you’ve gotta defeat this thousand person army thats knocking at the front gate!! Every addict, a million times, has looked at the enemy in all of its powerful glory & handed the knife back saying I’m too weak, I’m too scared, I’m not strong enough. If I face that army, that enemy will kill me!! To turn and fight addiction takes a strength most will never know. It takes a level of desperation that’s only found at the edge of death. Sobriety never comes easy for this fight with addiction is always played out in the worst, weakest days of our life! The last fkn thing I want to do is face the addict I have become again! But I’m losing parts of me I never meant to gamble. I know I’m prepared for this fight as I can feel the rage and violence required to defeat this monster filling up my soul like a rain gauge in a thunderstorm! I’ve fought this monster before, many times. This time there is no rehab, there is no counselors, no group therapies! Only me and my demons head to head in a winner takes all death match!! I ask for the cheat code on how to kill the immortal, how to defeat the undefeated, I ask how David beat Goliath because as I turn to face this enemy i know it’s their life or mine hanging in the balance. There is no weakness I can target on the enemy, only strength I must find within this broken vessel if i ever hope to defeat it! They have all the advantages and tools to kill me while I stand here shaking with my knife wondering how in the fuck am I ever going to do this!! But I have been here before and no matter how big or scary this enemy seems, they’re all demons that I have defeated before!! Wish me luck, keep me in your prayers as I’m going to need them if I plan to survive this hell i have created for myself!!!! Thanks for reading!!

In addiction, while I was in this rehab or that one, I always heard the counselors & speakers talk about mountains in recovery. I always thought this was just an easy metaphor to use for the folks who always find themselves at rock bottom but the truth is it’s because, in sobriety, you’re either climbing or you’re falling! It’s either up really slow or it’s down, really, REALLY fkn fast! There is no comfort zone to settle into because the second, the fkn moment you think you can take a break to celebrate your accomplishments is when you will find yourself at the bottom of the mountain, in a darkness you never saw coming. There is a man that I meet at the bottom, who lives in that darkness and he resembles myself. Only a weak & insecure version, full of self hatred and regret. The result of what happens to the addict who insists on living and breathing solitude and isolation!! He looks me in the eye and he tells me that it’s ok to stand idle. He reminds me of every danger that lie ahead if I dare try to climb again. He is my fear of failure personified. He is everything that I hate about myself, staring back at me in the mirror. This man I meet, more days than I’d like to admit, his intentions are to get me to quit. To overwhelm my mind with racing thoughts of past failures like sharpened knives soaring through the air! At times, I feel like I’m going to bleed to death as even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes but the truth is, that meeting this man doesn’t remind me of every time that I have tripped and I have failed! He reminds me of who I never want to be again! He reminds me that rock bottom is where I was fkn built at!!! Seeing his miserable soul in the mirror only reminds me that it was in this darkness that I first found my strength! When the pressure is applied the hardest is when I will always shine the fkn brightest! Where most people panic, I thrive and maybe I have my life of addiction to thank for that, for I have been here before. I have lived most of my life in this familiar darkness so I know, for a fact, there’s only two options that I have. Climb or die! Thrive or fail! Get tf up or lay tf down!!! After everything I’ve been through & everything that hasn’t killed me, I know where I’m going to place my bet! Seeing this man in my dreams only reminds me that I’m fucking up and that it’s time to start climbing again! The path forward is uncertain, it is steep & it will be jagged but I’ll be fkn damned if I’m going to stay down here with this loser!! Addiction and darkness defined my past. These next steps I am taking, will define my sobriety!! Everybody says “don’t be scared! You can do it!” but fuck that! I should be scared because what I have been doing, will not accomplish the kind of dreams that I am shooting for!!! This story does not end in dark places or sad stories! I may not know yet, the heights to which I will climb, but I promise the view will be worth every second of the work & dedication that I’m going to put into it!! I have great people around me and I can’t wait to see where this climb from the ashes will lead!! Thanks for reading! 💯

I no longer pray “god give me what I think I need” but “god give me what you know I will need!” Idk what my tomorrow will hold. What is possible in my tomorrow but in his grace, lies my faith. God is the only one who has been in my tomorrow, who has seen my tomorrow, so he’s the only one who knows what I will need, when I get there! If he knows that I have to fight a lion to prepare for Goliath, then fight the lion is what I want to do! Fighting the lion is the struggle that I am grateful for as long as it prepares me for whatever tomorrow will hold! Everyone is so ready to run from the struggle, to run from the self doubt and the hard times!!! I’ve been in, what is starting to feel like, the struggle of my life for weeks! I’ve been in more pain for the last two weeks then I’d imagine most people could tolerate without a drink or a pill. I’ve thought about drinking more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 765 days combined! I even found myself going to ask for a half pint at the gas station because I was out of answers for any relief to the pain but as tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t utter the words and just said nvm I’ll fkn figure it out. I have tears in my eyes now thinking of how close I came to losing everything I have worked so hard for! In addiction I was never very religious as believe it or not but god never gave me the endless supply of drugs I prayed for, a million times over. I didn’t think he existed because there were hundreds of times I found myself screaming to the heavens, through sheets of fkn tears & on bended knee for him to take me from this earth, to relieve me from the pain of being myself and he never did!! Trust me, I gave him numerous chances with all my overdoses!! I thought if I prayed for sober, he was supposed to make me sober! I mean didn’t y’all read the book? He turned water into wine! So, of course if he cared enough, he could change an addict into a professional right? Lmfao if only it worked that way! Looking back, I see how every time I truly prayed for my addiction to end, he gave me the chance to get sober by me getting locked up again!!! The point is that I seen each one of my 23 different jail stays as a struggle when really I should’ve been seeing them as the fkn blessing they were! People want to pray to be somewhere in life without realizing that god is answering your prayers with the struggles that you will need to be strong enough to get where tf you want to be!!!! This pain I have been in, this struggle I have found myself facing day in & day out has came so close to breaking me it’s not funny but I find my pride in this process!! I find pride in the pain that I have made it through!!! I’ve got big plans, huge goals and this pain wasn’t meant to break me or put me in a casket! It was meant to test me to make sure that I am ready for this next step! This pain was a prayer answered because obviously my resolve will be tested ahead. My determination & my willingness to quit will be in question & that is when I will think of this struggle and thank him for forging me into the person I have to be, to accomplish everything I know that I fkn can!!! These last two weeks have been hard without being able to sleep or bend over without feeling like my face is breaking but as I am finally on the tail end of this shit storm, I can’t wait to get back to operating at 💯 & keep moving towards the goals I know I can reach!! 💪🏻💯

I’m 2 weeks away from 900 days sober & as I watch person after person, friend after friend, fall off the bandwagon of sobriety, it has me questioning a lot and wishing I could come up with the answers. Those magic answers that could change the path of the addict. Hell, I even lost a person I considered a mentor about a month ago. He was someone I would message, like many have messaged me, on those dark nights where i was just looking for someone to listen, for someone to care, for someone to understand. I never felt like I could share my true stories with my family & let’s be honest, by the end of my addiction, I had no friends to try to share them with. He was the addict that I thought was a titan in the arena of sobriety! I would’ve lost a lot of money, all of my money actually, if I could’ve bet on his sobriety. But, instead he was the one who gambled by putting that needle in his arm & he lost. He paid with his life on a hotel bathroom floor after a fkn argument with his wife. I see recovering addicts posting their “stats”.. they post things like 23 incarcerations, over 50 times arrested, over 200 points on my drivers license, 10 years without one, $20,000 to get it back, over a hundred thousand dollars to the court system!! Hell you want a stat? I went through $35,000 in my last 5 weeks of addiction trying my hardest to end up as that mfr on the tile floor of a hotel bathroom!!! My eyes are filling with tears as I think of how hard I was fkn trying to just end it!! How fkn sick I was of who I had become!! My life today just seemed so fkn impossible to who I was back then that I used to do more blow than any 5 people could survive and then I’d pray for it to be enough… Enough to be the end, enough to take me away from the nightmare that I had created after almost 2 decades as a career addict. I used to pray “please let this be my last fkn prayer!” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve begged the heavens for an early admittance or even prayed for the gates of hell to open finally. Maybe the biggest driving force for me to really throw myself towards the casket was having a daughter & more so, one that I made the choice to be her dad. God these tears are tearing me apart right now, remembering this shit show but, I knew the man that she deserved to call daddy, I knew that I stepped up to that plate and I knew how terribly I was striking out. Another friend who fell off the fkn wagon lately is doing the same shit with her kids as she’s trying to prove to herself, how terrible she is to try to be able to say that she is doing the kids a favor by not being around. Right!? How fkn twisted sideways is that thinking but I was there! Omg I was there as ultimately I did accomplish my goal and I tried to end my life with drugs and alcohol on May 11, 2019! I tried to take myself out of my daughters life and I wrapped it in the bullshit lie that I was doing her a favor!! That’s ludicrous!!! But it’s true!! The toxic thinking that can overtake an addict is a twisted descent into a darkness that most could never imagine!! It’s a mindset more dangerous than a loaded pistol as the addict falls through every minute of their past & re-lives every disappointment!! I have been asking the same question more and more lately of how did this happen? How did they let go again? The truth is, my worst situations were in addiction as I kept committing atrocities and ending up in jail but my hardest days have been in sobriety! As an addict, instant gratification is my jam & if getting ahead of myself were a sport, I’d win the gold! I set ludicrous goals, knowing they’re unobtainable because I’ve never set a goal other than to score a fix in the last 20 years! I’m so upset when plans don’t go as I think they should but it’s easy for me to forget how new planning anything other than my own obituary is to me! I think maybe the reason so many fall down is because we expect life to happen so fast! We expect to put down the pills, stop snorting coke & have success be the next step up the hill!! I remember sitting in rehab after rehab, so full of hope until my shoes would hit the sidewalk of freedom and my first call was to see if I could find some pills or score some blow! I once got picked up FROM REHAB with a bottle of whiskey and a quarter ounce of blow!! I understand thinking rehab isn’t going to change anything!! This last time, on may 11th was just different, I guess. Something changed in me when I woke up strapped to that hospital bed and hearing all these doctors saying how I shouldn’t be alive! I remember the look of awe on their face, like what!? He didn’t die last night!? The best way that I can describe it is to say that I gave drugs and alcohol their absolute best chance to kill me & they couldn’t! I was soooo tired of working so hard trying to end it all! Sooooo tired of always being the fuck up, the junkie, the drunk, the pill popper, the crackhead, the addict. Idk that last hospital bed and psych ward stay was the one where I knew I had found my final rock bottom!! It was the first time in over 17 years that I crossed my hands, looked up and said thank you! I want to tell these people a clever one liner or tell them a story they can relate to, to say look mfr! Stop what you’re doing!! You can!! You don’t have to fucking live like this anymore man!! If I did it, you fkn can!! But, as it keeps being proven, I’m starting to question if anything could stop an addict on their mission to find their rock bottom? If any story or experience could change an addicts trajectory other than the impact of that final rock bottom? It’s a scary realization to come to, but I’m serious, I’m starting to think that the advice I should be giving is, to say the goodbyes while you can. This addict, that addict, every addict is no different than me, why I was so fkn lucky to have survived, idk!! Most fucking aren’t!!!! I promise!!!! Relapse will reach up and pull you under faster than a creature from the deep, snatches a ship from the oceans surface!!! I’ve actually been asked, in sobriety, why I haven’t relapsed? It made me laugh as the way they asked, I was like, you mean this time or the 6,287 times I’ve relapsed before this time!? They said “that’s specific” I said, “it’s every single, fkn night for over 17 years that I promised myself tomorrow would be different! For almost two decades, I relapsed every time I woke up! I relapsed every time I told myself I would be better than I only proved to be worse!!!” I don’t relapse nowadays because that mfkn bottle has a bullet in it for me!! I put that bitch to my lips, I might as well put another loaded pistol in my mouth!!! Holy shit this one sucks to fkn write but you fkn morons keep dying!!! Stop it!!!!! For the love of fuck, where are you going!? Where do you see this ending!? Are you like me and just want to find out if you’re going to survive it or not? I’m proof that 9 out of 10 times, you won’t!!!! Do you just want to see what it looks like when everything is so dark that darkness is all that’s left!? Wtf!? It’s not fun any further down than you are!!! The answer is NOT keep fkn falling and hope it gets better!!!!! My beard is gd dripping in tears because I wish I could help, I wish y’all could see what you’re doing to yourself, to your family, to fkn people who are looking up to you. I understand the fall from grace more so than most & unfortunately, the truth is, that the addict is going to keep hunting for rock bottom. They don’t realize it in addiction, but someone always dies!! It’s either the person we used to be or the person we could’ve been! Plz reach out and get help, plz realize you’re mind is not working clearly!!! This sobriety shit, this sitting in your emotions, having emotions you never even knew existed, sucks!!! It’s not fun at times!! You’ll struggle with everything & you’ll feel like everything you’re doing is wrong but at the end of the day, you are further ahead than you were that morning if you lay your head down sober!!! It doesn’t happen overnight but I fkn promise, it happens!!! We do recover!!!! Plz!!!!! For the love of everything holy!!! Stop searching for the worst version of yourself & start building who you want to be!!! Stop fkn dying and robbing this world of everything that you can be!! Stop robbing your damn self of who you can be!!!! I know it seems impossible but just start with one day!! Just for today!!!