11h • General discussion
Why can’t we kill addiction?
Why can’t we kill addiction? We can kill the silence for the deaf and the darkness for the blind. We can kill about anything, except addiction. Addiction is like a parasite! The only way to kill it is to kill the host and even then it lives on in the next suffering soul. It lives at the core of every addict, it pulses through our veins and breeds poor choices faster than a rabbit watching bunny porn!! The best we can hope for is to harness the demon and find a way to keep it at bay! But, even then, there is no leash strong enough to hold this beast!! It can rear its ugly head 5 years, 10 years, 20 years after sobriety, the son of a bitch is still alive. Laying dormant in the shadows of our mind waiting for just the right time to come roaring back to life stronger than ever. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful beyond measure. You don’t have to feed it, it doesn’t care about a drink, it just lives off your insecurities that are there whether you’re sober or not! Addiction can be on life support in the back of our minds for a decade and still kill the addict in a single night!! It robs us of our accomplishments and strips us of our pride and our happiness!! We even know that every day it lives, we die a little more & still we find our fix, feed the monster within and subtract that day from the total number we’re allowed in this life! I often thought addiction was born in my poor choices. I’ve always tried to think back to my childhood to see if I can find that one decision, that one choice that sent me down this path of nightmares. But as I’m trying to write this book, I can’t help but notice my poor choices and need for chaos started long before drugs were even an option! When I was 5 years old I told my sister to go lie to my mom and tell her that my dad needed a lighter. I then proceeded to start a barn full of hay on fire because it gave me a rush. Anything that risked me getting in trouble I was a fan of. I was 7 years old when I was caught with my first pack of cigarettes!! What fkn 7 years old even wants to smoke? They gave me a buzz and made me feel cool so I was stealing them from my parents and hiding them under my dresser. This monster has been with me, my entire life, like i was born with it!! It’s deeper rooted than just a disease as you don’t catch addiction like a cold in December. It’s far more fundamental than a repeated poor choice as every addict would be sober if that were the case. Idk if it’s in our DNA but from the drivers seat of this addict, it sure seems like it. Sobriety feels so foreign we actually fear it. We cling to our addictions like a kid who can’t swim clings to a buoy because we’re scared to see how far we have fallen. We know the drugs and the alcohol lie and say everything is fine while everyone else sees the ground crumbling under us. Getting sober is like those house renovation shows but played in reverse! Instead of seeing the ugly and turning it into something beautiful. We’ve been insisting we’re fine and nothing is wrong for so long that when they unveil the truth, it’s shocking to see the monster behind the curtain that we have become. See addiction lives in lies, deceit and corruption to where sobriety lives in reality, truth and consequence. It’s a life changing endeavor when you come to terms with that and see how long you’ve been believing the lies. See how almost everything you know has been fed to you by an addiction that is hell bent on killing you. Active addiction is like the blind leading the dumb as we just follow along as it leads us further down until everything is ash and we’re surrounded in the flames of hell!! Even then we are more likely to bask in the warmth of the flames then to find a weapon to fight back. It’s like being taken off life support after 2 decades, then as you stand, never feeling weaker, being handed a knife and told you’ve gotta defeat this thousand person army thats knocking at the front gate!! Every addict, a million times, has looked at the enemy in all of its powerful glory & handed the knife back saying I’m too weak, I’m too scared, I’m not strong enough. If I face that army, that enemy will kill me!! To turn and fight addiction takes a strength most will never know. It takes a level of desperation that’s only found at the edge of death. Sobriety never comes easy for this fight with addiction is always played out in the worst, weakest days of our life! The last fkn thing I want to do is face the addict I have become again! But I’m losing parts of me I never meant to gamble. I know I’m prepared for this fight as I can feel the rage and violence required to defeat this monster filling up my soul like a rain gauge in a thunderstorm! I’ve fought this monster before, many times. This time there is no rehab, there is no counselors, no group therapies! Only me and my demons head to head in a winner takes all death match!! I ask for the cheat code on how to kill the immortal, how to defeat the undefeated, I ask how David beat Goliath because as I turn to face this enemy i know it’s their life or mine hanging in the balance. There is no weakness I can target on the enemy, only strength I must find within this broken vessel if i ever hope to defeat it! They have all the advantages and tools to kill me while I stand here shaking with my knife wondering how in the fuck am I ever going to do this!! But I have been here before and no matter how big or scary this enemy seems, they’re all demons that I have defeated before!! Wish me luck, keep me in your prayers as I’m going to need them if I plan to survive this hell i have created for myself!!!! Thanks for reading!!
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Why can’t we kill addiction?
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It’s an addiction recovery group where I share my stories from addiction to promote transparency, self awareness & recovery.
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