Yes, I know this has become a depressingly predictable report and seems to happen every quarter, but we are receiving reports of yet another breakout of eggsitis disease in the seventh quadrile. This latest outbreak of the ailment is believed to have stemmed from someone smelling an egg that had not been wrapped in a thick waxy coating in the correct manner. For any resident who has spent the last 5 years asleep, or is perhaps new to the Castle, the two most documented symptoms of eggsitis are: 1) Walking bent over, like a wizened old person - sometimes using a large stick-like object for support. 2) Repeatedly groaning, "Oooooh the eggs". Early reports suggest this may be a slightly different strain, however, so please report do any symptoms you spy in sufferers. As most people know by now, the disease is spread primarily by two people each holding a Monopoly token between finger and thumb, then rubbing them together.

While wandering haphazardly through the lower east corridor, I discovered a door. It had previously been hidden behind a stack of treasure chests which had very recently been knocked to the floor and their contents strewn about. They appear to all have contained DVDs starring Patrick Swayze. So after kicking a few Roadhouses aside, climbing piles of Ghosts and slipping on the treacherous footing provided by Dirty Dancing, I made it to the door. It was blocked by some Point Breaks and a To Wong Foo, but I managed to shift these and pull open the entrance. Inside was a stone circular room, small in diameter but tall as a silo with a high ceiling and a central pillar towering above. Shelves lined the walls fully, from top to bottom, and a trio of large bookshelves stood in the middle around the pillar. All surface space was taken up by various and varying objects, like a huge tombola of mystery. I found a doll with its eyes replaced by glittering amethysts and an extra one added to its forehead, and also a novelty pen (it features a picture of a regular goblin, but when you tip the pen upside down it becomes naked!!) I have left the room open and cleared a path through the Patrick Swayze classics so that anyone may enter and see what they may find.

This creature has materialized in the northern corner of the St Festoon's Cafeteria. The length of the stilts is unknown, but the creature's head almost touches the stained glass ceiling. So think on that. The badger has indicated, via a go-between (a stoat with the shits on shorter stilts) that it is willing to answer questions from residents. If anyone would like to ask a question, fire away. Please note: St Festoon's Cafeteria is currently offering a two groats discount on its notoriously delicious Plum Duff Cupcake Cheeseblocks, presumably to stop the badger's presence deterring snackers from spending their ackers.

I regret to inform residents the word 's-a-u-s-a-g-e' has been misplaced, somewhere within the Castle. Residents will, naturally, be unable to speak or write the word until it has been recovered. For those asking, I was only able to depict the word above by using the 'hyphens' workaround. Can any residents please remind me of the other words that remain lost within the castle's numerous crevices? 🤔 P.S. Auntie Gooch's famous sossidge (aha, another workaround) sandwich will still be available in the cafe parlour tomorrow (saturday)... but residents will have to get creative when it comes to ordering same.

As we prepare for the annual celebrations commemorating victory in the "War of the Wandering Goose", an ancient battle fought against the "Castle of Finite Possibility" over who owned a goose seen wandering equidistant between both castles, the administration is issuing an appeal to all residents: 🏰OFFICIAL NOTICE🏰 Due to a catastrophic clerical error in the stores department, we find ourselves bereft of fireworks for the impending festivities. To ensure the event remains visually stunning, the administration has taken the following steps: 1. Declared that all health and safety protocols are suspended until winters moon. 2. Sanctioned a new bylaw, allowing the word "persons" to be substituted in place of the word "pyrotechnics" in all official documents. With this in mind, anyone willing to smother themselves in lamp oil and make themselves available for being set alight and launched over Goose Hill by means of the ceremonial trebuchet, will receive a day off in lieu and a consignment of vouchers for the castle Gift Shop. The administration feels that this will be ample remuneration for doing your civic duty. Whilst we appreciate your cooperation in this matter, we would remind all residents that, by the terms of their contract, they are subject to pernicious combustion at any time. We thank you. 🔥 🪿 🖕