Idk how to accurately describe what I mean. And it’s not just sparring but technically rolls warmups and exercises too I guess. Basically, my body straight up rejects certain “dangerous” stuff. Like for example, fall exercises and stuff, instead of just falling my body instinctively tries to throw out a leg or a knee to save myself from the fall. Or I’m falling for body feints. I’m having a bitch of a time breaking the habit. I know it’s normal to an extent, but I feel like I can’t master my own mind. This translates into some bullshit with sparring and rolling where I’m wincing or lowering my guard to dodge something. I know this will get me hurt in comp where the skill level is higher and girls are capable of catching me in that or identifying it and using it to their advantage. I guess awareness is the first step to getting past this. Hopefully this reflection will help me work harder and do better in class tonight. Still a noob so trying not to be hard on myself. As a perfectionist, though it’s keeping me up at night.

Just finished my first amateur kickboxing match, lost by unanimous decision. I was barely tired at the end of the match, it felt like i had just finished a light spar and not a fight, so i know i didn't push myself. I lost the fight because i was inactive, i barely scored any points, i came in with a gameplan to come in with a low kick or teep and then box on the inside and exit with a low kick, but as soon as i got in the ring my legs felt frozen and i felt like i accepted defeat in the first round. I feel like my skill level wasnt the issue i just didnt try hard enough and i lost mentally before the fight started. I was so anxious i didnt even want to win anymore i just wanted to get the fight over with. It was my first fight and at a national tournament so the skill level was high but i feel like im a way better fighter than what i showed today. Im not mad at myself i j wanna do better. Need to work on checking low kicks, boxing on the inside, ending combos with kicks, and starting combos with kicks. Also need to work on my leg strength so i can generate more power and have more explosive kicks. Im not scared of getting hit cs ive been doing this for so long and i have a strong chin but i fight like im scared to get hit, so i need to work on taking risks to score points. At the end of the day im excited to keep growing at this sport and to win my next fight.