Day 1: Submission From today's song, this lyrical line resonated with me, "...my one defense, my righteousness. Lord, I need you." Ive never felt i have had anyone that would fight for me, or defend me. Ive been the fighter and denfender of others. But then losing respect for myself along the way feeling and ultimately, feeling i am not worth enough to fight for anyway (abandonment is a part of my story). Following this thought of submission, I grew up in a catholic church. It was there the nuns really made me (and probably many others) feel inadequate, less than, and fearful of god. Almost like how boogie man stories are told to children to get them to listen out of fear they would be taken if they didnt follow the rules. Yeah, like that. Except it was god doing tje smyting and guess what...i was always doing something "wrong". Even when i blindly said all things at the right time, along with all the gestures and rituals that go along with it. But I had questions. And none of them were answered. Instead, I was met with irritation and labeled disruptive, attention seeking, and asking for trouble. The only answer I was ever given was, "you just have to believe. Have faith". It felt like shut up, stay in line, and quietly obey...submit. It broke my trust. But really, it broke my heart. I too, among others, submitted instead to other outlets (lust, alcohol,..etc) and hid behind a mask of anger and protective big sister to front strength. I have been working on letting that anger go. I cry a lot more now rather, I let myself do it when I need to. But still, doing it alone. I have submitted and surrendered to accepting my alcoholism (sober 3 years now: 07/03/2023 clean date). But even that seems easier for me to recognize and accept over accepting that I can trust in Jesus again. But, we are speaking again...God and I. So, its a start. Final thought on this; its interesting that the one thing I seek the most, Love, I push away the hardest. Out of fear and mistrust.