... you only meet yourself. There's a lot in this little journal entry. I find it helpful to flip through previous journal entries and reflect. Also, to remind myself of the lessons I forget, no matter how recent. Here is one from a few weeks ago. The same thing happens in the body when we feel fear and excitement or arousal... Elevated heart rate, sweat, pupils dilate, blood rushed to the lower half (to run, to dance, or for monkey business). The only difference is that fear is excitement without breath. We freeze. This is why often what we fear, manifests itself so easily because our systems can mistake it for arousal. (Recommended read: Existential Kink by Dr. Carolyn Elliot).

Does anyone here ever feel like you're breaking so many patterns or at least becoming aware of them so rapidly that life feels chaotic? And you wish you could just breathe for a second? Is this spiritual awakening?

https://youtu.be/ggTcX_ld6rI?is=5k-GOmSR8h4ThHMF

I’ve uncovered another pattern underneath everything I’ve been sharing lately. In a previous post, I talked about some major money revelations, especially how I had been seeing money as a rescuer — something that would come in at the last minute, like the cavalry, to save the day. But when I looked at my current work situation, my marriage, and then all the way back to childhood, I realized this pattern goes much deeper. The pattern is this: the people and places I trust to hold me become unsafe. I trusted my mother to hold me, and she was unsafe for me emotionally and psychologically. I trusted my marriage to hold me, and that became unsafe. I trusted this job to be a safe landing place, and now that feels shaky, too. So, this is not just about money. It is about a much older wound. I am not a religious person, but I grew up in Catholic school and something dawned on me...: do not worship false gods. As a child, I understood that very literally... As in, don't go into the forest and build a temple out of twigs and worship Jeff, the god of biscuits. But now, through everything I’ve been learning about awareness, transurfing, and a more expanded understanding of reality, I see it differently. I no longer believe God, Source, the Universe — whatever name you use — is something outside of me. I believe it lives within me. And if that is true, then every time I look outside myself to be rescued by money, a job, or a relationship, I am handing my power away. I am treating external things like saviors. I am honoring false gods. Because I can also see how often I have tried to create safety through appeasement: “Look, I’m being good. I’m helping. Please don’t let this end. Please still choose me.” I did that with my mother. I did that in my marriage. I’m doing that now with my job. But appeasement is not safety. Another thing I’m seeing clearly: support and rescue are not the same thing. Healthy support is beautiful. Rescue keeps me waiting, hoping, and outsourcing my power.

This showed up in my feed today and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hope it helps someone else too. https://youtube.com/shorts/yqEMQ60c9bA?si=4DtZHBwiGRUgGQtZ