For homework number 7, I wrote down that my child self (whom I tend to experience as being between 8 and 12) felt sad and not enough. I didn't want to be here. My young child self already had sexual shame, sexual interest, and a fear of being touched. My young self didn't feel safe expressing desires - boundaries and things he wanted/wanted to do. Apparently being able to choose his own clothes was a big deal to my younger self. Which is interesting, as an adult I have never enjoyed clothes. On any given day I am wearing a random assortment of random second-hand things friends and community members have given me. Prior, I would just wear the same thing every day, I would wear shoes until they had holes in them and just about everything else. Right now my thermals were a gift from a coworker. My pants were a gift from my sister. My shirt was a gift from a friend. My jacket was a gift from another friend. My socks and shoes I bought, which was a break in pattern for me. I prefer being barefoot and have been able to be barefoot most of the time for the last few years due to my lifestyle and what I do for work, and this summer I needed to take a regular job which inspired me to buy toe socks and three pairs of barefoot shoes because I feel better with that footwear. My younger self really wanted to wear costumes and wants me to wear costumes... which I guess is another way of saying I have been becoming increasingly aware that I have a sense of style I've always ignored and want to wear period and other exotic clothing everyday that most people would only wear on Halloween. I've never celebrated Halloween. In the days since I've also recognized that I feel shame and the need to justify my relationship with touch. I greatly desire touch. My child and even adult self did not feel comfortable with touch with most people, which meant I was very needy with those few people that I felt comfortable touching, my father, my sister (who have their own issues with touch) and basically girlfriends. On the flip side, I do a lot of dance and somatic practices and feel like I have to apologize for the fact that I am often frigid even with lovers when it comes to touch (basically with most people if I don't feel I have all the power I don't feel safe and can become frigid), and so that's most and feel the need to apologize for that and for the fact that at times I just feel overwhelmed by touch due to various things from my past - both early childhood and in adulthood.

Another intense release. This year I have been having these emotional or energetic accumulation in my root chakra and periodically it get release through the arms, its an intense sensation, like their burning and they kinda go numb during the process.. and vibrate in a cellular level. It's been happing a lot during breathwork as well but this time it was soo intense it was physically painful, i felt like my arms were going to explode from the amount of energy getting release through them but i just sat there and let it happen. I don't know what is happening lol. 😅

My journey into Love!

I'm having trouble with the daily meditation, and I don't know if it's wise to go on and hope for better results over time, or idk - what do you all say? Instead of creating a good feeling, it makes me feel extremely anxious every time. I have theories that it could either come from me having romantic love and anxiety deeply entangled, I'm not even sure if I can really feel love or if it's just anxiety - but even when I do it with mental pictures and memories of my pets or friends, it makes me anxious. Or it comes from creating too much pressure on feeling something positive, when in the last month my system had shut down so much that atm I cannot feel anything else but anxiety, despair or at best just tiredness. So should I go on? Even if I cannot create the wanted feeling? Don't I manifest something bad if I keep on doing it like this? Can I even correctly do the challenge when failing in the daily work? :/