Hi Conquerors. I am in the hospital. I am ultimately proud of myself because as uncomfortable as I am (and I am😅), I needed to rule some stuff out. I'm sure it's happened even before this, but since last Thursday I have had severe weakness in my legs. I think I will be released tomorrow after the MRI. I'm hopefully going home with a walker so I can be safe as I gain strength back. Just wanted to give an update. It has been extremely hard for me to keep up with all the different doctors and multiple people coming at once etc. But I'm doing my best.

Hello Conquerors!! Well, yesterday was quite quite rough. Felt like my body went through 10 panic attacks. Felt like it was unsafe to go to bed. Etc However, I still made myself be IN bed I believe by 10:30. I still made myself brush floss and moisturize before that. I still turned on my meditation Why is this important to note? Because having cptsd and being neurodivergent AND physically being by myself, these are the types of things in the past that would have stopped first. "Self care" would be the FIRST to go. Same thing this morning. I woke up with dread and said quickly make protein shake and go for a walk. And I did. It is a short walk. On purpose. Came back and I honestly don't remember at the moment what I did. But I am hopefully getting an advocate which I desperately need. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But I simultaneously feel like things are FINALLY starting to make sense. Not be ok..but make sense. Basically her dad took complete advantage of the fact that I'm neurodivergent (I didn't know) and had trauma Not just in our marriage. But especially since. He KNOWS I don't have money. Yet his "casual" suggestion via text yesterday was to do the traveling over two days He didn't mention how if I did that, I'm now going to have to get additional ubers, and food, and a hotel etc. Money i do not have. Guys, I truly did not realize there are people who want to hurt me. But I'm experiencing it in real time. That being said, what is DIFFERENT now: *Physically, I cannot do air travel at the moment. And I am honoring that for the first time. Because I see how it just won't happen. *I am talking to my caseworker about what is happening I would not say that I am sleeping amazingly or anything. However, I DO think that me continuining my rule of no tv in bed has been a massive benefit. Not necessarily when I wake up. And not that I'm stress free. But the fact that I haven't given up. The fact that I'm not having panic attacks 24/7.. is huge. Because it IS a very scary time for me. I have "poked the bear" so to speak. With a narcissist. Basically sociopath.

Hello Conquerors! Well.. looks like after a tumultuous day of processing, I'm about to conquer yet another thing 😅 I'm going to see fireworks. By myself. It is 109 heat index here But I'm honestly doing this as a symbolic act. The FEAR is trying to stop me. So that being said I need to get ready! No, I don't feel comfortable. But I'm going g to do it, to the best of my ability.

Good morning Conquerors! How is everyone this morning? I decided to go for a walk literally first thing this morning. It honestly felt like if I paused to wash my face or something that I would lose the momentum and confuse myself. So I grabbed socks went downstairs, grabbed protein shake I had made last night and put in fridge, and put on shoes and socks and grabbed the trash and earbuds and just went. But once I got to main road I set the 10 minute timer. And MADE myself turn around once it went off. This is what I'm noticing: *something about being OUTSIDE in the morning, OUT of the house, helps my brain and nervous system *something about "even if I do NOTHING else all day, at least I took a walk", helps my brain And I decided that I didn't have to have my entire day planned yet. I just needed to decide on the next step. So I decided next step would be grab my keys and get the mail So I did. Then came back home and felt "stuck" again. But decided next step would be breakfast. Anyway, my point is, I see how the mind can LIE to us. Tell us why even try because it won't make a difference anyway, etc And then there are people who say "don't TRY. DO" But here is my struggle with that: To me, and I'm sure a huge part of it is the people I've had to endure etc.. but for ME, that means that I can only even attempt something if I'm fully prepared etc. Because if "try" isnt an option, then I absolutely NEED certainty before starting But for ME, when I truly allow myself to "just try", all of a sudden I have the motivation to do it. That being said, I'm currently eating my breakfast. And even if the rest of my day feels pointless (worst-case scenario), I DO still feel better that I made the choices I did, starting with last night, to at least TRY to set myself up for having a good day today:) So if you're struggling I would gently suggest "trying". Love you guys!

Good morning, Conquerors! How is everyone this morning? I have a big appointment this morning so need to be ready to leave the house by 9.. a little less than 2 hours from now.. Plan before that: *meditation- done *get up *wash face *moisturize *get dressed *get downstairs *prep daily water *take vitamins *protein oatmeal We are CONQUERORS! Reminding myself of that. Love you guys!