I am FREEING myself!! SOO grateful🥰 Good morning! I am definitely in a transformation🤯. I'm realizing on a deeper level (more embodied level) that *I* am ONLY responsible for what *I* say and *I* do! So for example, I was feeling sad.. and worse this morning. But I realized (thankfully!!) that *I* don't need to be sad because of what SOMEONE ELSE says or does. *I* don't need to reject who I AM (sparkly, fun, love to dance, squirrels! on a lot of things, laughs at "nothing", etc) because OTHERS have rejected me! So I saw a bunny outside my window this morning. And I told myself we are sitting and STARING at that bunny and ENJOYING this moment! Because that is what I WANTED to do. Anyway, I just wanted to share because I truly am transmuting energy and I am SO grateful!! And now I'm downstairs doing my morning routine, playing music, LETTING myself dance to the music and be happy EVEN THOUGH not everything is "figured out" or "fixed" I really am learning how to cultivate and PROTECT my own energy and separate it from every THING and every BODY else. Love you guys!!

I'm talking visceral "I'm not physically safe" fear. THAT will stop you in your tracks. That's what I experienced this morning. A maintenance man was coming to my place..said he was going to be here 6+ hours.. my place is small.. hormones.. sleep deprivation.. stress.. And he had told me to clear out a certain area... but told me last minute.. and I physically can only lift so much right now... My point is, I realized that I was going to burst into tears in front of this person (or get injured) because my system was NOT having it.. especially knowing that this was during the time I desperately NEED in order to take care of MYSELF so I have a fighting chance to be "on" for Lilly when she gets home etc etc.. It boils down to a trauma belief that is "I'm not safe in my home around an angry man" I know exactly where it comes from.. And really what it is, is that I checked in with myself this morning on "what do you need?" Etc. And it said I calm and privacy at least during the morning. So when that felt like it was ripped from me.. and especially a strange man.. it truly felt dangerous. What I want to say is, i ended up crying upstairs in my room instead. And I used tapping and energy work (even WITH cruel programming telling me "get over it" etc).. and it helped loosen the GRIP of that fear. Becahse I was in a situation where I NEEDED to eat..and quickly. But I felt I couldn't go downstairs. It was rough. And another reminder that I don't have anyone (in person) to help.. or even just support.. But the facts are, I released some tears, tapped on fear *but also had to stay alert that my body NEEDED food or I was going to pass out. I was able to go from "I'm genuinely feeling SCARED, and that's NOT ok!!" To "maybe it is ok to feel a little scared. How can I support myself through this?" Etc. When people say "just don't let it bother you", I literally can't use that. I don't know HOW to do that. I just know that I've never had a safe home.. and I needed that safe home feeling today.. and it felt like I couldn't because even going downstairs there might be conflict and conflict is NOT safe right now with how viscerally vulnerable I'm feeling.

I have started a new habit in an attempt to save my life. I am on day 15. To say it is terrifying and grueling js an understatement. Yet, I see how it is keeping me hanging on. Just wanted to say i love you guys.

All I can say is "life" is kicking me HARD at the moment. But that being said, I'm realizing the more I release the more capacity I will have! And I've had MASSIVE releases the past few days. And STILL took care of Lilly. So OF COURSE I'm exhausted.. not in a negative way but an authentic way. I've also put more boundaries in. Because she was literally depleting (unnecessarily) the few resources I had. That being said, the FACT is that this morning I was doubled over in stomach pain (not like the appendix thank God but definitely more than mild).. and for ME, being a single mom without reliable help, that feels DANGEROUS. Like I can't do my job as a mom etc. However, the FACT is, despite a part of me wanting to ignore it, I've actually slowed down and let myself feel.. and the pain has lessened. My body is still integrating but holy cow did I have some breakthroughs! One thing I've done that is a NON negotiable whenever humanly possible, is i go to the car now every morning. Today was day 10.. I almost didn't go. But now I KNOW it is like oxygen for me. It is me being consistent for MYSELF every single day. That NO ONE can take away. It is a release valve for me. THIS is how I'm gaining traction when the little bit of help I was promised is not following through. I am opting out of chaos. Opting out of unnecessary frantic energy etc. MY house is and will be a safe place. Peaceful. I did a meditation today and the number one value I came up with was peace. I'm still open to help of course..but no longer at the expense of foundation. A foundation I'm trying to build. I'm reminding myself EVERY tear I shed now, every time I lay down even though I don't think I should have to... I'm getting a head start on summer. I'm RELEASING soo much at such a deep level. Under really stressful conditions. But that's the point. The universe is testing me. I always get water metaphors and this one jist came to me of how you have to swim in the choppy waters before you get past the break.. and it is smooth. I'm IN the choppy waters

https://youtu.be/zw4swglAnrE?si=tAV31aYfW8jlquSO