During my police career I dealt with some pretty awful stuff. I then lost both my Wife and both parents all in the space of 13 months. Yes I went a bit wobble, had some CBT and now I am on the straight and narrow again. Or at least I thought I was. A week ago we had Green Monday a very big bank holiday where we eat, drink , socialise and fly kites. All was going well until it came to putting the meat on the BBQ. I opened the cool box only to fince the spices had spilled everywhere. I was really pissed off. I tried as best I could to clear it all up. Then having finished I stood up and whacked my head on a branch (bloody hurt). It was like a switch had been flicked and I seriously lost my shit. I hadn't even been drinking. I have not flipped like that for well over 10 years. The rest of the afternoon I was very subdued and angry with myself for loosing it. But also alarmed how easy you can flick that switch and boom your almost in a rage. I'm still reflecting on it now. For someone who was often described as so laid back in almost horizontal. It's really bothered me..

Sorry not posted more sooner hell of a lot gone on recently. Sister was rushed into ICU after collapsing at home she’s had medical issues from birth she’s 68 and 14 years older than me. She was born with a crooked spine which was operated on when she was 15/16 years old then due to complications from that she had a leg amputated at 21. During her time in ICU the consultant asked me when did your sister have a kidney removed? I said I don’t ever remember her having it done only to find out she had actually only been born with one kidney and that one was functioning at 2% so you can imagine what was going through my head when I was sitting with her with all the machines doing all the work for her. Then my Father in Law passed away at the end of January he had just been diagnosed with a rare cancer of the lung which was asbestos related Sister is home and awaiting an operation to help her kidney but also has stones in her bladder and uterus. I didn’t expect her to come home if I’m honest due to how sick she was in hospital. Father in law’s funeral has taken place and now we’ve got the unpleasant task of clearing the house and selling it as it’s gone to probate. Now this is where the Dark Angel appeared Woke up really early yesterday morning and felt really shit and angry, laid in bed thinking why now? Why now have you reappeared? There’s Alcohol downstairs just go down and have a drink and you will soon forget about it ? But would that have honestly helped? No of course it wouldn’t of that would of only just masked the pain and put me going back to my old ways I got up ate my prepared breakfast got dressed and went to the gym music on head/mind focused and worked out. Left the gym and went for a walk along the coastline where I live I’m not going to let the Dark angel drag me back I know he will always be on my shoulder but just in the background The good angel will always win going forward Well apologies for the long post just wanted to get it off my chest 💪

Right… I’m gonna be straight with you. Recently I had to face something from my past. The sort of situation that years ago would’ve sent me straight back into anger, defensiveness, and survival mode before it had even started. Old me would’ve walked in looking for a fight. Not always physically… but mentally, emotionally… ready to bite back, ready to protect myself, ready for it to go wrong. But this time… I walked in calm. No chest tightening.No scanning the room.No planning exit routes in my head like I used to. Just walked in, listened, had the conversation, and walked out knowing one thing… I’m not that bloke anymore. And that hit me hard on the drive home. Because there was a time in my life where anger felt like armour. It felt like protection. It got me through some dark shit… and if I’m honest, it probably kept me standing when I didn’t have much else. But it also controlled me.It made decisions for me.It made everything look like a threat. And facing this situation showed me something massive… You don’t delete the man you used to be.You don’t pretend he never existed. You respect him… because he got you through the storms. But he doesn’t get to drive anymore. These days that version of me is still there… still strong… still capable… He’s just the bodyguard now. Not the boss. I’m grateful to the man I was…But I’m fully committed to the man I’m becoming. And lads… that version isn’t perfect. He’s not finished. But he’s calmer, stronger, and doesn’t quit on himself when life gets heavy. If you’re battling stuff from your past right now, hear this… You are NOT stuck with who you were. You’re allowed to outgrow it.You’re allowed to rebuild.You’re allowed to become dangerous in the right ways… disciplined… controlled… steady. And the day you realise you handled something differently than the old you would’ve… That’s a powerful moment. Keep doing the work. It’s worth it.

I've been off the Radar for a couple of weeks. Some of you know, I was training for the Dubai Marathon. Well, I'm pleased to report. I did it, finished it and I'm back home. Mentally, it was extremely tough. From 30km I recalled a post I shared with Steve Bennet and Gary Elston which said 'You Must Tell Yourself, No matter how hard it gets, I am going to make it' I ran this through my head time and time again. Although I was disappointed with my time, I finished.. It's now a week later (today), and the memory of the Marathon has almost faded, the finishing high has gone. This is exactly how Johnny Wilkinson described the 24hrs after winning the Rugby World Cup. It's such a weird feeling, 33 Weeks of training and boom, it's gone.

If you are lurking in the background taking in the information and not really saying much, just remember…..we all have issues and you will be surprised at what the people in this group have been through. If you want to talk but not sure how….drop me a message, I haven’t got all my shit together and I’m definitely not perfect but I’m a good listener.