During my police career I dealt with some pretty awful stuff. I then lost both my Wife and both parents all in the space of 13 months. Yes I went a bit wobble, had some CBT and now I am on the straight and narrow again. Or at least I thought I was. A week ago we had Green Monday a very big bank holiday where we eat, drink , socialise and fly kites. All was going well until it came to putting the meat on the BBQ. I opened the cool box only to fince the spices had spilled everywhere. I was really pissed off. I tried as best I could to clear it all up. Then having finished I stood up and whacked my head on a branch (bloody hurt). It was like a switch had been flicked and I seriously lost my shit. I hadn't even been drinking. I have not flipped like that for well over 10 years. The rest of the afternoon I was very subdued and angry with myself for loosing it. But also alarmed how easy you can flick that switch and boom your almost in a rage. I'm still reflecting on it now. For someone who was often described as so laid back in almost horizontal. It's really bothered me..

Sorry not posted more sooner hell of a lot gone on recently. Sister was rushed into ICU after collapsing at home she’s had medical issues from birth she’s 68 and 14 years older than me. She was born with a crooked spine which was operated on when she was 15/16 years old then due to complications from that she had a leg amputated at 21. During her time in ICU the consultant asked me when did your sister have a kidney removed? I said I don’t ever remember her having it done only to find out she had actually only been born with one kidney and that one was functioning at 2% so you can imagine what was going through my head when I was sitting with her with all the machines doing all the work for her. Then my Father in Law passed away at the end of January he had just been diagnosed with a rare cancer of the lung which was asbestos related Sister is home and awaiting an operation to help her kidney but also has stones in her bladder and uterus. I didn’t expect her to come home if I’m honest due to how sick she was in hospital. Father in law’s funeral has taken place and now we’ve got the unpleasant task of clearing the house and selling it as it’s gone to probate. Now this is where the Dark Angel appeared Woke up really early yesterday morning and felt really shit and angry, laid in bed thinking why now? Why now have you reappeared? There’s Alcohol downstairs just go down and have a drink and you will soon forget about it ? But would that have honestly helped? No of course it wouldn’t of that would of only just masked the pain and put me going back to my old ways I got up ate my prepared breakfast got dressed and went to the gym music on head/mind focused and worked out. Left the gym and went for a walk along the coastline where I live I’m not going to let the Dark angel drag me back I know he will always be on my shoulder but just in the background The good angel will always win going forward Well apologies for the long post just wanted to get it off my chest 💪

I'm still in recovery mode from my marathon. Running has been a lot less lately although, I have a 10km in 3 weeks. During a conversation with my new running coach, he asked if I have tried Hyrox. I said 'No'. He asked me if I fancied having a go. Well this morning, to say I ache is an understatement because yesterday, I did my first Hyrox session. Despite being apprehensive, I came out absolutely buzzing. It's really left me on a high. On Tuesday and Saturday i am going again. This has seriously given me some renewed motivation. The session for me, was a massive stress reliever. Now, there is a knee jerk reaction to all of this. Myself and Jon (my mate) last night signed up to the Limmasol Hyrox event in April 😯. So I can now categorically say, mentally I'm in a very good place and very motivated 😊

@John Black made a comment comment on being stuck in the past and it reminds me. As a kid, I was a squaddie bratt, One of my friends at junior school in Germany I am still in touch with (48 years). Our dads were in the same regiment. After Germany our paths split, His dad went to Cyprus (where I now live) my dad was posted to Hong Kong. Then his dad went to Sandhurst as an instructor, my dad went to Bovington as an instructor. We kept in touch by letter, then as email became a thing, we emailed.Then in our Adult years we met up a few times he even came to my wedding in 2023. He now lives in Germany. Over the past 15 years, when we meet up he seldom talks about himself. He only talks about his dad's time in the Army (both our dads have passed away) and the stories his dad would tell him. I also repeatedly got tagged in posts to do with our dad's regiment and squaddie kid pages (called Pads Beats). I became quite frustrating that we would talk about our lives and what's we Do/have done in our adult lives. I chose to leave all of our dad's regimental pages and pads bratt pages. Within 24hrs he contacted me and said I notice you have left all the groups. I replied ' I want to live in live life and not my dad's so I have decided to draw a line under our dads pasts. Interestingly, our communication has dropped by about 50%.

I didn’t sleep last night……too many things running through my head. I met my sister for the first time last night…. It was great to meet her and sit and talk to what happened to us both….i gave her a cuddle and it was like we had known each other forever! The old me wasn’t capable of meeting her as he was too angry and lost in the past….new me welcomed the moment and it’s helping me grow into the man I know is waiting….. If you have things from the past that haunt you…..face them head on! This was the same situation last week when I also met my brother for the first time. Control your chaos…..don’t let it control you