Hope you do this again soon.

Hi. Lately, the anxiety that has been showing up most strongly for me is health anxiety. I’ve dealt with this since childhood, but it has become much worse and has now crossed into OCD. I’m hyper-aware of germs and bodily sensations, constantly monitoring my body. On top of that, two years ago I lost my grandmother and my father six months apart, both due to illness. I stayed with each of them in the hospital until the end and witnessed a great deal during that time. Now, whenever I get sick, my mind immediately goes to the worst-case scenario. There have been times when I’ve gone to the doctor and been told that I’m fine, or given a simple explanation, yet my mind won’t rest. It tells me something must have been missed, that the tests were done too early, or that there’s more testing that needs to happen. As a teenager, I once went to the hospital after vomiting and seeing the tiniest trace of blood. I panicked, even though I was told I was okay—and right after that visit, I went straight to another doctor because my anxiety was spiraling. At times I pray and try to reassure myself, which helps briefly, but the relief never lasts. If I see or hear anything about illness or death, it immediately intensifies these feelings. I’ve unfollowed accounts, clicked “not interested,” and blocked certain words on social media to reduce triggers, even though I understand the principles behind exposure therapy. There are other ways anxiety affects my life, but this has taken the forefront. It leaves me feeling isolated, abnormal, and deeply sad. It makes me feel as though I have no control—not in the sense that we can control everything in life, because I know we can’t—but control over what we should reasonably be able to manage within ourselves, as adults, as people. I want to truly live, enjoy my life. Not saying I don’t, but when the thoughts are non stop before I know it , it has taken up hours of my day, casting a shadow or dark cloud over me regardless.. I want to be free..I have been keeping this to myself truly.. it is all a very sensitive topic for me.