I’m relatively new to all of this and I wanted to share a bit about my Nice Guy journey as it’s been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I thought I was fine, I thought I was a good husband, dad and son. I worked, I helped around the house, I was there when I was needed. I listened whenever my wife told me stories of her friends’ partners staying out late and felt good that I never did that. Then, last December, my wife told me she wasn’t happy, that she didn’t feel emotionally connected to me and thought we should get through Christmas and maybe separate in the New Year. I genuinely didn’t see it coming. For the first time in my life I could see myself losing everything that I had been working for. I started desperately looking for answers because I thought I was doing everything right. Eventually, one day I saw a recommendation for No More Mr Nice Guy and listened to a 15-minute summary on my way home from work. I had to pull over as I had never had something resonate with me so much and at the same time show me how many of my behaviours I thought were “good” were actually causing problems! I then found this community and was bowled over at how many other guys this has affected. I was avoiding conflict, people pleasing, making covert contracts and hiding what I wanted. I never realised how much of myself I had given up in the process. Whenever someone expressed a negative feeling, I would try and fix things without realising I was actually shutting them down. I thought I was helping, but often I was just uncomfortable and trying to make it go away. These last few months have been the hardest in my life. I have been trying to focus on myself and rediscover the real me. I am also learning to recognise and be honest about my feelings, accepting that others may not agree but that it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is in danger. In addition, the hardest part though has been stopping myself from fixing other people’s problems and just acknowledging what they were feeling.

I wanted to share my personal breakthroughs. For past couple weeks I have been practicing authentic behavior's. Speaking my mind and I really don't care and don't seek anybody's approval anymore. Especially from my father and mother. I am making big changes in all areas of my life especially profession. Life is short and after long thinking I decided to follow my dreams and focus on self development in areas I always loved like Music/Acting/Drawing/Writing. After years of giving my energy the wrong people I come to the conclusion that if you are not changing something in your life you are choosing it. And I have been chosing the wrong things. Why? Because I have not listinend to my own voice/soul. And in the process lost my true indentity. I try to live and remind myself this quote Jim Carrey said "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love"

I am sure this is something we all excel at. Call it "overthinking things" or just procrastination or endless researching or being academic. I think this is probably a very common thing among nice guy types. We want to do the research. We want to learn. We want to plan things. As an engineer and software developer, these things are necessary of course. But when we apply this to all things and take it too far... we get nothing done. We become paralyzed with endless planning, even fantasizing, and never getting to the goal. I am particularly bad at this. Whether its a project I am working on and never finishing (or never starting), or some new way to manage my life, my relationships, or my health. I do the research, I think this is awesome, I get excited by it, and maybe I even start.. and then fizzle out. I'll get overwhelmed by the influx of knowledge, the cloud of ideas, or just the inertia of getting started. And then nothing gets done. Paralysis by analysis.

Alright team, I'm bringing this back to see if it holds up. Comment below by calling your shot for this week: What healthy, value-based action do you commit to doing this week to improve your life?

I had a tough conversation with my oldest child (20, moved out at 19) recently They are convinced, and told me through tears and choking up, that they sincerely believe my wife/her mom is a narcissist. They then went on to describe a number of things that I had a hard time denying. I asked them, what about me? I'm not perfect. I know there are lots of things that I do and did that were not ok, and that I have some traits that might also be considered a bit narcissistic. And even then, I should have protected them from anything that might have happened and that I was sorry for any part I had. I told them that I always see the good and the potential in people, thats just my nature, and that I didn't believe that mom doesn't or cant love you. Maybe she has some of these traits but I can't believe shes a full blown NPD. I've since leaned heavily into trying to identify these traits. I've watched some videos. I've had a few "holy shit" moments when hearing descriptions of narcissistic interactions that hit too close to home. I've learned what "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking" is. Turns out I'm already doing that. But it reaffirms what I already knew: that the only thing I can really do is work on myself. I can be healthier physically. I can work on my own mental blocks. I can take time for myself, to be myself, to enjoy what I like, do hobbies, get good sleep, etc. And the consensus seems to be that if I do all these things I will only get better, and, conversely, if she really is somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, these things will probably just make her angrier. Or not. But I can't count on that. I can only get better.