Hello Kristina. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. It's extremely hard, and extremely isolating. Every single one of your feelings is valid, including the desire to no longer be in any situation that causes you so much pain. I understand the black pit of darkness feelings because I have been there, and have set up my own suicide plans, to the point of the blade on my skin in a dark place where no one would quickly find me. Please know that there is nothing you are doing to cause your own suffering, nothing that you are at fault for in feeling this way, and I extend to you and surround you with the compassion that isn't here to fix you. But just to let you be. You may give yourself the credit for turning it around, one day. You will see it as lessons, but those will be by your own hand, your own choice, your own decision. Not random, not as tests you need to pass. Just know that I'm so proud of you for coming out with your truth, and making the brave decision to let others know about it. That is strength. And that is huge. Sending you love, and joy from the other side. ~Sarah