11d • General discussion
Dads Do It Different - Legacy Shield
You have an instinct as a dad, even a brand new one. Don't be afraid to trust it. You see this with new dads holding their new babies. It starts as cuddling & rocking & stroking their heads, cheeks, those tiny fingers. And that will go on for a few months. But there is an inevitable point...
where dad will do something that mom will NEVER do.
Dad will THROW THAT BABY!
It will start small. A gentle toss, barely leaving his hands. But then a positive feedback loop will begin. The first time dad gets a hint of a smile from that little bundle (OR a panicked gasp from mom!) MARS is the next destination for that baby. THAT'S the dad difference.
The WSJ wrote an article titled "Roughhousing Lessons from Dad" and highlighted research that exposed several tendencies of dads with kids.
Check these out....
#1 - Walk the Line - Dads put safety 2nd. They walk a slack-line between safety and letting their kids take risks. When my second son was around 10, he wondered if our WWII army cot could function as a hang glider. TOTALLY GET IT. Sooo, I let him JUMP OFF the garden shed with this thing over his back. It was maybe a 5' drop onto the lawn. After questioning and doubting, he asked what I thought. I told him he'd be OK! Off he went. He landed it but, admittedly, a bit hard but very much uninjured.🫢 "DAD!" he cried. You promised I wouldn't get hurt!"
"I'm sorry buddy! I promised you'd be OK! You're alright. Let's have a look."
From the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in a 2011 study - Dads walk a line in play—protecting kids without removing all risk. Small scrapes teach children how to manage fear, set limits with peers, and make emotionally intelligent decisions under pressure.
#2 - Player and Coach - During rough and tumble play (a key feature of whole-hearted fathering), dad's tend to play two roles. They simultaneously get in on the action, engaging in play AND they act as coach. The coach sets and enforces rules, adds elements of structure to play and calls timeouts as needed. As a player, dad elevates the level of play.
There was a brief period when all six of my kids could, would and wanted to wrestle me. All at the same time. It was also peak @UFC glory complete with badass walkout songs and big heroes like Georges St. Pierre and Anderson Silva! Soooo....On came the BEST UFC intro ever (fight me) and BadDad walked into the family room. It was CHAOS! Kids everywhere. Arms, legs, submissions. Old school WWF made an appearance. But two things were constant. First, ALWAYS, we'd hear mom from the kitchen "STOP! Someone is going to get......
(You guessed it) HURT!" And, inevitably, someone would get banged or bumped. Play would stop. Nurse the wounded. And GET BACK AFTER IT! The second inevitability was that I would call a timeout and we'd have to clarify rules. "No, you can't rear-naked choke your three year old sister." Or, I'd call timeout and coach them. "Here's how you RNC your brother. Mount the back. Cross the legs. Wrap the neck. Insert the fist. Squeeze. Release immediately at the tap." Coaching at its finest.
Finally....
#3 - Spontaneously Silly Fun Maker - Dads have a propensity to be silly. Sillier than mom and the instigator of fun and games. Research shows many dads see part of their role as getting playful with their kids — starting silly, physical games and adventures, not just supervising. Jim Carrey's iconic performance in "Liar, Liar" where "The Claw" would take over his body and attack his son with growling and tickling. An epic display of a good dad.
So, now what...
Do you/have you spontaneously and instinctively done any of these? If so, keep going. Be intentional. And do it longer than you think you should, well into their pre-teens. They'll give you clues when the time is coming to an end. And let's face it, it never REALLY comes to an end.
What if you don't/haven't shown up this way? No sweat. Just start. Switch it on. Your instinct may be suppressed b/c this just wasn't part of your own upbringing. That's ok champ. You can switch it on. It's in there. You have what it takes. If it's really a wall, get someone to coach you.
Try this....
Take jiu jitsu with your kids. Enroll in the online BullyProof videos with @RenerGracie and @RyronGracie at Gracie University. A+ class coaching in playing with your kids on the floor. While learning verbal negotiation strategies and what to do when those fail. You've got this dad!
Thunder Co. dads, chime in. How's this mesh with your dad and you? Did you get this as a young boy? What's your memory of it? How are you with your kids? Are you different with your boys than your girls?
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Dads Do It Different - Legacy Shield
